Oh what a summer!!
Have things happened in between that I have forgotten to blog? YES
Well not forgotten I don't think I wanted to relive the pain of telling the stories.
I have had the police called on me (again) I have been called a dirty slut and had my life threatened by him. He has told the kids they don't have to respect me and told my son that stole my money that he didn't have to pay me back. Sadly he has said most of these things while the kids were around or in hearing distance.
This is where my guilt comes in. I know I should have left a long time ago. Because of the pain of my own parents divorce I was trying to prevent my kids going through what I did. This has backfired on me BIG TIME as now I am watching my kids suffer for my poor decision making. When I told my husband the only reasons for leaving him would be adultery and if he ever hit me I should have included emotional, financial, spiritual abuse as well.
Now I am watching my daughter so scared of being banished from her father's life that she is continually trying to please him and playing cute when he is around. It breaks my heart into a million pieces as I know the final outcome will be my daughter is set up to be one of those women that stay in a bad relationship at any cost. My middle son is also in that same position. He is in a very controlling relationship for almost 3 years (since he was 14) and can't seem to leave. My other two sons have picked up on how to fight unfair. IF there is an issue that needs to be talked about or resolved, my boys won't stick to the topic - they will resort into personal, vindictive, attacks to make a point. If anything bothers me about my relationship with my husband - it is watching my children suffer because I was too cowardly to leave. Sadly I think my youngest son might also have NDP but as my counselor said he can't be diagnosed until hes older. I try to get the regrets out of my head and look forward but their behaviors and actions are constant reminders of what I ahve done. I can only ask for GOD and my children to forgive me - this was never my intention.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Are you Emotionally Abused?
I took this quiz off this site about Emotional Abuse.
http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html
ALL THE TIME!!! I go out of my way to make sure I don't upset him and hes upset anyways. My girlfriend witnessed something I go through all the time. On his way home from work he called to met me know he was on his way home late as usual. I had to wait for him to being me money or the bank card (he has control of all the finances) and he was being all sweet on the phone. Ten minutes later when he walked through the door he was moody and rude and barely gave my girlfriend a response when she said 'hello' to him. I LIVE EVERY DAY walking on egg shells but it doesn't matter he will find something to be angry about.
2) Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
I usually keep my mouth shut as even small disagreements can turn into a huge crisis. Sometimes out of frustration I will bring things up like his ongoing lateness. Instead of talking about the subject it gets turned into my issue and how DARE I treat him like HITLER by questioning his time management skills. Everything that upsets me lives inside me - I am NOT allowed to have issues.
3) Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
I am always guilty of something I never did or said or meant. He is KING of being able to tell me what I think or what I meant even if I try to clarify myself. He has some extraordinary power that gives him insight into what I REALLY meant or what I was really up to. If I make him a cake I am trying to cover something up. I honestly gave up doing small little acts of love just because it was more of a headache than anything.
4) Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
Just making it through a day without a crisis is a GOOD DAY!! Why bring up money matters when it will be my fault anyways?
5) Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
YES YES and YES!! If it wasn't for my counselor I would still feel this way. Sadly, even though I am much better, there are still deep traumas I find it hard to get over. I know it isn't 100% my fault but I feel so imperfect that I still question it. I feel like everyone looks at me as a broken person.
6) Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
From his home life to our finances to what he is doing when he is late. He never shares anything and even when asked directly he finds ways to avoid answering. He sees INFORMATION as a weapon and the less I know the more power he has. What he does with our finances is another mystery. We had $50,000 but it is NOW all gone and apparently I spent it all LOL Even though I don't have access to his accounts. When he bought 2 cars from an auction and when he has paid a lawyer $12,000 - I didn't find out until I pressured him for information.
7) Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
Giving my opinion on a matter is stupid as he will always give the opposite view. Then down the road will take my opinion and claim it was his own. I am never 'right'.
8) Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
Being in crisis is so bad for the kids it is better for me to do what he asks and take the burden upon my self rather than put the kids through it.
9) Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
EVERYDAY!! LOL
10) Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?
He has all the power in the relationship. All the finances are in his name. When we remortgaged the house he paid all his bills leaving me with a bad credit record. My name wasn't on the house title or my own car until a counselor advised him to do otherwise. If I want money for GAS I have to crawl to him nicely just so I can get my kids to a practice or game. Even for groceries I have to beg plead and cry.
11) Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
In the beginning he always praised my friends and family. Now all my friends are drunks or adulterers or losers. He makes it difficult to go to family get-to-gethers saying at the last minute he doesn't want to go. He has even pulled his stunt at funerals etc. He doesn't mind giving me a piece of his mind in front of people often creating embarrassing situations. When we are in public I bit my tongue the whole time and avoid his just so he cant perceive any insults to him.
12) Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?
Again I used to take all the BLAME but counselling sure helped me look at things in a different light. Yes I am imperfect BUT I AM NOT FLAWED and cause for all bad things that happen to this marriage and our kids. If our kids get caught stealing, drinking, having sex, lying - it used to be all my fault. I can't believe I used to believe it all!! I still have to catch myself sometimes but I feel more empowered knowing its not all ME!!
13) Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?
LOL - what sex? For him its a grisly chore that means I take power away from him
14) Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
Thank GOD he doesn't - I can just imagine who worse it would be adding alcohol or drugs to the equation.
15) Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
Yes and he makes the jokes about me to my kids, family, and friends. It is always in the guise of 'good' fun but its the same things he will attack me with in one of his rages.
16) Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
On the surface he appears to make fun of his shortcomings. I never could put my finger on it but I always felt like he was insincere. He would make a fun about himself being late in a joking manner but if he felt like he was being challenged it was no longer a joke. It is like he makes the joke to 'appear' funny but if we made the joke about him it would have a different outcome.
17) Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
In the 19 years I have been married never ONCE has he apologized to me. When he feels like I am at the end of my rope - he will look like he is upset about the state of our marriage but he NEVER apologizes. He will say thing like, "I know I shouldn't have brought up your daughter but if you hadn't brought up the fact I was late we would never have started fighting." He can say I LOVE YOU easier than I AM SORRY and I AM WRONG!
18) Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
He is the GOD of this family and nothing gets done unless he decided it. Even grocery shopping even though I am the meal planner and cook. When I grounded my son for stealing over $1800.00 - my husband reversed my decision and told my son he was no longer grounded and he didn't have to pay me back. This was because I had made the decision without him even though it wasn't HIS money that was stolen.
19) Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
I am financially dependent on him. I don't get ANY access to funds. When I was in charge of our finances if we got $2000.00 in debt I was a poor money manager. Now that I have no say in the matter we are a lot further in debt than that. Large amounts of money have gone missing and even though I don't have access to it somehow its MY FAULT?!?!? HE spent $12,000 on a lawyer for a civil case (without my knowledge) yet wouldn't give me $20.00 last night to go for dinner with a friend.
20) Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?
Of course!! If he finds this BLOG I will regret it. Knowing that I am leaving him soon gives me some relief. This BLOG is like therapy for me being able to express my feelings. God protect me if he ever sees it though. Am I being Emotionally Abused? Id say yes.
http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html
Abuse 101
Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions:1) Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
ALL THE TIME!!! I go out of my way to make sure I don't upset him and hes upset anyways. My girlfriend witnessed something I go through all the time. On his way home from work he called to met me know he was on his way home late as usual. I had to wait for him to being me money or the bank card (he has control of all the finances) and he was being all sweet on the phone. Ten minutes later when he walked through the door he was moody and rude and barely gave my girlfriend a response when she said 'hello' to him. I LIVE EVERY DAY walking on egg shells but it doesn't matter he will find something to be angry about.
2) Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
I usually keep my mouth shut as even small disagreements can turn into a huge crisis. Sometimes out of frustration I will bring things up like his ongoing lateness. Instead of talking about the subject it gets turned into my issue and how DARE I treat him like HITLER by questioning his time management skills. Everything that upsets me lives inside me - I am NOT allowed to have issues.
3) Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
I am always guilty of something I never did or said or meant. He is KING of being able to tell me what I think or what I meant even if I try to clarify myself. He has some extraordinary power that gives him insight into what I REALLY meant or what I was really up to. If I make him a cake I am trying to cover something up. I honestly gave up doing small little acts of love just because it was more of a headache than anything.
4) Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
Just making it through a day without a crisis is a GOOD DAY!! Why bring up money matters when it will be my fault anyways?
5) Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
YES YES and YES!! If it wasn't for my counselor I would still feel this way. Sadly, even though I am much better, there are still deep traumas I find it hard to get over. I know it isn't 100% my fault but I feel so imperfect that I still question it. I feel like everyone looks at me as a broken person.
6) Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
From his home life to our finances to what he is doing when he is late. He never shares anything and even when asked directly he finds ways to avoid answering. He sees INFORMATION as a weapon and the less I know the more power he has. What he does with our finances is another mystery. We had $50,000 but it is NOW all gone and apparently I spent it all LOL Even though I don't have access to his accounts. When he bought 2 cars from an auction and when he has paid a lawyer $12,000 - I didn't find out until I pressured him for information.
7) Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
Giving my opinion on a matter is stupid as he will always give the opposite view. Then down the road will take my opinion and claim it was his own. I am never 'right'.
8) Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
Being in crisis is so bad for the kids it is better for me to do what he asks and take the burden upon my self rather than put the kids through it.
9) Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
EVERYDAY!! LOL
10) Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?
He has all the power in the relationship. All the finances are in his name. When we remortgaged the house he paid all his bills leaving me with a bad credit record. My name wasn't on the house title or my own car until a counselor advised him to do otherwise. If I want money for GAS I have to crawl to him nicely just so I can get my kids to a practice or game. Even for groceries I have to beg plead and cry.
11) Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
In the beginning he always praised my friends and family. Now all my friends are drunks or adulterers or losers. He makes it difficult to go to family get-to-gethers saying at the last minute he doesn't want to go. He has even pulled his stunt at funerals etc. He doesn't mind giving me a piece of his mind in front of people often creating embarrassing situations. When we are in public I bit my tongue the whole time and avoid his just so he cant perceive any insults to him.
12) Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?
Again I used to take all the BLAME but counselling sure helped me look at things in a different light. Yes I am imperfect BUT I AM NOT FLAWED and cause for all bad things that happen to this marriage and our kids. If our kids get caught stealing, drinking, having sex, lying - it used to be all my fault. I can't believe I used to believe it all!! I still have to catch myself sometimes but I feel more empowered knowing its not all ME!!
13) Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?
LOL - what sex? For him its a grisly chore that means I take power away from him
14) Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
Thank GOD he doesn't - I can just imagine who worse it would be adding alcohol or drugs to the equation.
15) Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
Yes and he makes the jokes about me to my kids, family, and friends. It is always in the guise of 'good' fun but its the same things he will attack me with in one of his rages.
16) Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
On the surface he appears to make fun of his shortcomings. I never could put my finger on it but I always felt like he was insincere. He would make a fun about himself being late in a joking manner but if he felt like he was being challenged it was no longer a joke. It is like he makes the joke to 'appear' funny but if we made the joke about him it would have a different outcome.
17) Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
In the 19 years I have been married never ONCE has he apologized to me. When he feels like I am at the end of my rope - he will look like he is upset about the state of our marriage but he NEVER apologizes. He will say thing like, "I know I shouldn't have brought up your daughter but if you hadn't brought up the fact I was late we would never have started fighting." He can say I LOVE YOU easier than I AM SORRY and I AM WRONG!
18) Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
He is the GOD of this family and nothing gets done unless he decided it. Even grocery shopping even though I am the meal planner and cook. When I grounded my son for stealing over $1800.00 - my husband reversed my decision and told my son he was no longer grounded and he didn't have to pay me back. This was because I had made the decision without him even though it wasn't HIS money that was stolen.
19) Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
I am financially dependent on him. I don't get ANY access to funds. When I was in charge of our finances if we got $2000.00 in debt I was a poor money manager. Now that I have no say in the matter we are a lot further in debt than that. Large amounts of money have gone missing and even though I don't have access to it somehow its MY FAULT?!?!? HE spent $12,000 on a lawyer for a civil case (without my knowledge) yet wouldn't give me $20.00 last night to go for dinner with a friend.
20) Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?
Of course!! If he finds this BLOG I will regret it. Knowing that I am leaving him soon gives me some relief. This BLOG is like therapy for me being able to express my feelings. God protect me if he ever sees it though. Am I being Emotionally Abused? Id say yes.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Stealth Abuse
For many years I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship. I always thought you could point out abusers easily and my husband was sweet and charming and my friends and family liked him. He had me convinced for years I was the one that was emotionally unstable (yes I was living with his narcissism) and he was doing me a favor by staying with me. I can't tell you how many people thought we were the ultimate couple and how I was so lucky to have such a great husband and father to my kids. I used to walk around bragging about how good he was to me and even believed it but I had a secret I didn't want people to know about. The same man people saw at church and social functions was not the same man I lived with. Even though I have a higher than average IQ I still didn't realize that what was happening in our home was called STEALTH ABUSE.
Again I will quote Dr Sam Vaknin - http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html
Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
Sam classifies abuse into four categories
The silent treatment is my husband's favorite tactic. When we have a disagreement he will spends days even weeks ignoring me. Of course he uses the other tactics listed here but the silent treatment is the most damaging of them all in my opinion.
I was once considered a smart strong woman with ambition. I know first hand how abuse can tear you down into a shell of a person.
Again I will quote Dr Sam Vaknin - http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html
Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
Sam classifies abuse into four categories
I. Overt Abuse
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
The silent treatment is my husband's favorite tactic. When we have a disagreement he will spends days even weeks ignoring me. Of course he uses the other tactics listed here but the silent treatment is the most damaging of them all in my opinion.
II. Covert or Controlling Abuse
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment – human and physical.
a) Unpredictability and Uncertainty
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.
I can't tell you what it is like living in a household where you cannot depend on your spouse. I live waiting for the next outburst or threat. It is better to be prepared for it then to take on an attack in surprise. We would get into a disagreement and the next day a Realtor would show up to put the house on the market. We would argue and the next day my bank account would be closed. We would have a fight and the bills that are in my name don't get paid. (Don't even ask me what this has done to my credit) Never challenge him or else sit and wait for the bomb to drop.Disproportional Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed.
I never understood how he would go to the extremes he did over the smallest infraction while ignoring ones I would consider major. Sam explains this wellDehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.
I was once considered a smart strong woman with ambition. I know first hand how abuse can tear you down into a shell of a person.
Abuse of Information
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.
This is another of his favorite tactics. Before I understood Narcissism I used to accuse my husband of 'finding ammunition to use against me'. There is no stone unturned. All the secrets I shared with him have been used against me to win battles. I made the mistake of sharing with him about a friend's extra marital affair - big mistake because he uses it as a weapon even threatening to tell her he knows. I confided to him about the situation of my daughter that I gave up for adoption. I was the victim of a date rape something I had not shared with ANYONE before. Even that information has been thrown in my face with new evil twists such as I asked for it because I was too drunk. I learned the hard way never give him any information that will be used against me down the road.Impossible Situations
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.
I could go into this subject all day long. I have put myself into a situation where I am 100% dependent on him. When the house or kids needs something we are at his mercy to follow through. Even then I can't count on him because he will decide at the last minute to not follow through causing me to make alternate plans. If it wasn't for my friends and family I would have died along time ago.
III. Control and Abuse by Proxy
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
I have been the victim of this tool one too many times. I can't tell you how my husband has used the police or friends and family to assist him in his rage against me. Because he was arrested for physical abuse in the past (and he still claims his innocence as it was all my fault) his lawyer directed him to call the police first. When we would be arguing and I would have the nerve to stand up to him he would call the police to say he was scared I would attack him. Doing their job they would show up but not press charges on me as there was never a physical attack. They would lecture me about how they would arrest me if I attacked him. This happened more often when the kids were younger. As they got older they would totally fall apart so the episodes are not as regular. He has used the police at least 10 times to target me. My counselor explained to me that when he feels a loss of control its a tactic to gain it back. I don't know if it was supposed to make me feel better because on paper I look like a homicidal maniac.
Another thing he does is bring in my family and friends into our fights. One day we were fighting and he physically prevented me from leaving the room by grabbing my arms. I begged him to let me go over and over again but he said he had to 'restrain' me from doing something stupid. All I wanted to do was get away from him but he was going to force me to listen to him no matter what. I took pictures of the bruises because he has a way of distorting the truth and denying things down the road. The next day he threatened to have me ordered out of the house so I sent him the photos to challenge him. In turn he emailed my father who was coming up to visit us that week telling him I was on drugs and in need of an intervention. My dad doesn't know what is going on in the house and believed him(why would he doubt his good christian son in law). He was coming up with his family and so was my daughter that I had given up for adoption. My dad didn't want to confront me but instead was telling me that my daughter wasn't going to stay at my house (he was concerned) and she would stay with my aunt. Because I didn't know what was going on I was angry and hurt that my father would control where the daughter, I gave up for adoption, would stay. My husband had decided to be on his best behavior since my family was coming and accepted my 'truce' while my family was here. I was still upset about my dad's actions and even shared my pain with him. He still didn't tell me what had happened between him and my father. The closer it came to seeing my daughter the more anxious and upset I was getting about the family visit. This was supposed to be a time of happiness yet I was feeling so much pain. It was hours before we were all to meet at the airport for lunch and I was texting my aunt (father's sister) about what a control freak my dad was being and making decisions for the daughter I had given up for adoption. She knew I was in pain and told me what my husband had told my dad and he was only trying to protect her from it all. I was in McDonalds with all my kids and my husband at this time waiting to go to the airport. My heart dropped out and I asked him if it was true. He was trying to be supportive to me all morning telling me to talk to my dad about my feelings etc (fake empathy) all the while knowing what was going on. By not telling me he was able to drop another bomb on my lap. He admitted what he did but of course it was all my fault because I had sent him the photo of the bruises. I was in tears so I knew I couldn't stay in a public place and thank goodness we had taken both our vehicles so I could escape. I drove home and waited outside for them to return as he knew I didn't have gas money and the original plan was that he would gas me up on the way to the airport. My middle son texted me to ask if I was OK and to tell me he loved me (he didn't know what was going on he only saw me tear up and ask my husband WHY!?!?!). When they came back home I asked my husband for the bank card so I could still get to the airport. He refused now and didn't care that I was unable to get there. I texted my dad and told him I was not going to be able to make it and I would see them later. I then called my girlfriend to beg her for some help (something I LOATHE doing but under the circumstances I was willing to beg). My dad had called my brother and asked him to go to my house to see what was going on without me knowing. I was in the house fighting with my husband about it when my brother showed up. My husband doesn't have the decency to NOT fight in front of people and was telling my brother I was out of control. I broke my rules (sadly) and told my brother what was really going on. My brother being the rational one was just telling me that the important thing was my daughter and that I had to go meet her so she wouldn't feel rejected. He was right this was all about her so I cleaned up but NOT before my dad showed up with his family to make sure I was going. I didn't want my dad to come in because my husband was threatening me (even with my brother there) telling me he was going to tell my dad everything and get me some help. I had to ask my brother to go out and tell him not to come in and just meet me at the airport. I didn't want my family to witness what was going on. If my husband wanted me to feel shame he sure got what he wanted. I went to the airport to meet her as my brother agreed to drive me. I finally broke down and told him everything that was going on. My brother had an idea from the past as when I was desperate he would come to my aid but I would always lie and tell him the short version. Now I had to let him know what dark secrets that were lurking in my life. I felt so small even feeling like I disappointed my family be becoming a weak dependent woman. I compromised with my dad that I would spend the night with her at my aunts house as I cannot guarantee how my husband would act in front of her. The next day we were supposed to have a family party so when I called the house to find out when he was coming with my kids he said he wasn't I had to beg and plead to have him drop my kids off at the very least. He said he would but only if I promised to have them home to go to church. I gave him my word and reminded him that 1) I was out of gas 2) he promised me earlier to give me money so I could do something special with my daughter. He said he would but knowing him I had to have plan B. I was so upset that he wasn't coming knowing people would ask me where he was. This wasn't something new for me - he has decided at the last minute NOT to come to family gatherings or even funerals as a way to throw me under the bus. I have become a master liar on his behalf always making up excuses why he is not somewhere he promised to be. I was NOT going to let him ruin a great weekend though as I was able to spend time with my daughter and my family. My dad never did talk to me about what my husband has said as I think my aunt (she has seen my husband in action firsthand before) had talked to him about it.
Therapists are not immune to ubiquitous and age-old influences and biases.
They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
Another example is where he manipulates counselors to make me look like the bad guy. I have found that unless they are trained in the family dynamics of abuse they can't see the bigger picture. Usually its me that convinces my husband to go into counseling but the few times he has set it up I should have known better. When we enter the session he will tell the counselor that he is looking for a divorce and I am still hanging on. Well of course now I am shocked because I had no clue that is why we were there. He had told me both times it was to work out our issues so to hear this from him is a total shock. He threatens me with divorce almost ever disagreement (this is NOT an exaggeration) he says it to me so often that the shock has worn off. His new tactic was to say it in front of a stranger and of course with their training they want to help me accept it. He sits back and smirks at me while I am dumbfounded and look stupid. I don't even know what to say. I just remind myself that this is just another weapon in his arsenal.
IV. Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.
WOW I want to laugh and cry at the same time! I thank GOD for the one counselor that was trained in family violence. For the longest time the police and other counselors would look at me as the crazy one and him as the victim. She was able to see whe bigger picture and would help me in individual counselling to see what was going on and how far in denial I was. Of course when you live in a household ready for the next bomb to drop you do become deranged. You are just holding on to the last strand of sanity you feel you have left. You never know if your bills are paid or if you are going to be allowed to access money or if he will go through with his threats of taking your kids away from you. He is sweet and charming while I look beat up and hyper all the time. The whole time I thought I was helping myself by giving into his control I was actually setting myself up for more abuse. I didn't see it until this lovely lady worked with me. When the light switch finally turned on I felt a heavy burden lift off of me. I am no longer a victim in his sick game I am a volunteer but it does give me a sense of control because I now know its my choice.
The Peter Song
It is the fact that language is put by narcissists to a different use - not to communicate but to obscure, not to share but to abstain, not to learn but to defend and resist, not to teach but to preserve ever less tenable monopolies, to disagree without incurring wrath, to criticize without commitment, to agree without appearing to do so. Thus, an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Such profound words from a self confessed narcissist I especially appreciated the part where he says
an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.
Do I know this all to well. As Christians our word means everything. We are told that we don't have to swear on the Bible as our word should be enough. When I give my word I mean it - you don't have to second guess me. If I am unable to give you my word I will let you know. My integrity is important to me it is who I am. With my husband it is like a light switch it can turn on and off at any given moment. Before I knew what narcissism was I had always accused my husband of not honoring his word or finding loop holes to get out of promises. I could never wrap my head around how easy it was for him to back out of promises or make empty commitments. I didn't know he was suffering from such a debilitating mental condition. He has no formal diagnosis but a counselor we saw wanted to point me in the right direction. Once I started reading the web sites she gave me it was like a light TURNED ON. Everything I felt but was unable to put into words about him was listed on these web sites. I can't tell you what a GOD SEND it was to find out I was not insane and I was living in a world of the narcissist.
Sam's words echoed in my brain so many times. His agreement with me were only words not valid terms of conditions. His promises were empty of the same value they meant to me. I always felt like I was in a war and I was fighting fair while he was able to break the terms and conditions on a whim. The same rules that applied to me didn't apply to him. I would ask him often about how as a Christian he could break his word so easily. I never did get an answer that satisfied me. I am starting to realise that his words don't have the same meaning to me as they do to him. He wouldn't even make up excuses in his mind he has the ability to decide how to live his life his way.
Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others - rather, they talk at others, or lecture them. They exchange subtexts, camouflage-wrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawning a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world - where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply.
- http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Again this spoke volumes to me (thanks Sam) When previous conversations would come up my husband would come up with things I never said or never meant. At first I thought he was just a liar then I started to realise he really believed I had said things or had intentions other than what I was saying. I would bring this up in counselling where we would be taught skills about repeating back to the person what they thought the other person said. I thought this would solve our problem but these exercises would only work with a counselor. It was explained to us more than once that we were NOT to tell the other person what they said or did we were to ask and clarify. One counselor even told him that I was the expert on ME and if he wanted to clarify what I meant to ASK me not TELL me what I felt or thought. I didn't know how it was possible to misread me as I felt I was very clear even asking him if he understood what I was saying. He would always reply that he did only to tell me at a later date what I REALLY was thinking.
I would say, "the sun is shining and its going to be a beautiful day". He would hear "The sun is shining so I am going to do what it takes to get away from you". As absurd as this sounds it is not far from the truth.
Another point Sam makes is how narcissists never talk WITH you the talk AT you. My husbands lectures are infamous. We would never discuss an issue - it would be about him giving an hour long sermon on something that was always hard to follow. I would call it the PETER SONG as I was unable to put into words what was happening. I would hate to bring up hot topics because our conversations would never be a two way street. It would end up being a lecture or a sermon about how I was wrong and he had all the answers (even on topics I was better versed in). I realise now he wouldn't even HEAR my words he would read between the lines coming up with his own conclusions. I can't tell you how many wasted hours we spent on him telling me what I meant with me defending myself. It was always a futile thing because no matter what I said he always believes that his position is correct.
One example is when I tried to talk about the pain of divorce on children. I wanted him to understand fully that if we ended the marriage that the pain children go through is like the death of a parent. His father had passed on when he was only 13 so I wanted to make that parallel. I told him that when he experienced the pain of his father passing it was final but for kids of divorce the pain comes back again and again because of the possibility and hope that the parents will get back together. About a year later in a counselling session he brought this topic up with a new twist. His claim was that I said that the kids would be better off dead than to go through a divorce. Meaning that I would probably KILL my kids so they wouldn't have to feel the pain of a divorce. Of course the counselor had alarms ringing but thank goodness she had worked with us long enough to know things were not as they seemed. No matter what I said to clarify my position he is 100% convinced that is what I meant. This is when I discovered that he wasn't a liar as I had previously thought the MAN really believes what he says.
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Such profound words from a self confessed narcissist I especially appreciated the part where he says
an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.
Do I know this all to well. As Christians our word means everything. We are told that we don't have to swear on the Bible as our word should be enough. When I give my word I mean it - you don't have to second guess me. If I am unable to give you my word I will let you know. My integrity is important to me it is who I am. With my husband it is like a light switch it can turn on and off at any given moment. Before I knew what narcissism was I had always accused my husband of not honoring his word or finding loop holes to get out of promises. I could never wrap my head around how easy it was for him to back out of promises or make empty commitments. I didn't know he was suffering from such a debilitating mental condition. He has no formal diagnosis but a counselor we saw wanted to point me in the right direction. Once I started reading the web sites she gave me it was like a light TURNED ON. Everything I felt but was unable to put into words about him was listed on these web sites. I can't tell you what a GOD SEND it was to find out I was not insane and I was living in a world of the narcissist.
Sam's words echoed in my brain so many times. His agreement with me were only words not valid terms of conditions. His promises were empty of the same value they meant to me. I always felt like I was in a war and I was fighting fair while he was able to break the terms and conditions on a whim. The same rules that applied to me didn't apply to him. I would ask him often about how as a Christian he could break his word so easily. I never did get an answer that satisfied me. I am starting to realise that his words don't have the same meaning to me as they do to him. He wouldn't even make up excuses in his mind he has the ability to decide how to live his life his way.
Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others - rather, they talk at others, or lecture them. They exchange subtexts, camouflage-wrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawning a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world - where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply.
- http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Again this spoke volumes to me (thanks Sam) When previous conversations would come up my husband would come up with things I never said or never meant. At first I thought he was just a liar then I started to realise he really believed I had said things or had intentions other than what I was saying. I would bring this up in counselling where we would be taught skills about repeating back to the person what they thought the other person said. I thought this would solve our problem but these exercises would only work with a counselor. It was explained to us more than once that we were NOT to tell the other person what they said or did we were to ask and clarify. One counselor even told him that I was the expert on ME and if he wanted to clarify what I meant to ASK me not TELL me what I felt or thought. I didn't know how it was possible to misread me as I felt I was very clear even asking him if he understood what I was saying. He would always reply that he did only to tell me at a later date what I REALLY was thinking.
I would say, "the sun is shining and its going to be a beautiful day". He would hear "The sun is shining so I am going to do what it takes to get away from you". As absurd as this sounds it is not far from the truth.
Another point Sam makes is how narcissists never talk WITH you the talk AT you. My husbands lectures are infamous. We would never discuss an issue - it would be about him giving an hour long sermon on something that was always hard to follow. I would call it the PETER SONG as I was unable to put into words what was happening. I would hate to bring up hot topics because our conversations would never be a two way street. It would end up being a lecture or a sermon about how I was wrong and he had all the answers (even on topics I was better versed in). I realise now he wouldn't even HEAR my words he would read between the lines coming up with his own conclusions. I can't tell you how many wasted hours we spent on him telling me what I meant with me defending myself. It was always a futile thing because no matter what I said he always believes that his position is correct.
One example is when I tried to talk about the pain of divorce on children. I wanted him to understand fully that if we ended the marriage that the pain children go through is like the death of a parent. His father had passed on when he was only 13 so I wanted to make that parallel. I told him that when he experienced the pain of his father passing it was final but for kids of divorce the pain comes back again and again because of the possibility and hope that the parents will get back together. About a year later in a counselling session he brought this topic up with a new twist. His claim was that I said that the kids would be better off dead than to go through a divorce. Meaning that I would probably KILL my kids so they wouldn't have to feel the pain of a divorce. Of course the counselor had alarms ringing but thank goodness she had worked with us long enough to know things were not as they seemed. No matter what I said to clarify my position he is 100% convinced that is what I meant. This is when I discovered that he wasn't a liar as I had previously thought the MAN really believes what he says.
April 2009 the aftermath
Well since the week of my birthday and anniversary things went on as normal. He still ignored me and we were running out of food to the point where I had to scrape up change to buy milk. (Did I mention that he has 100% control of the money and finances) For years my name was NOT on the mortgage or even my car title until the last counselor we saw convinced him to be fair.
Anyways it came down to this. It was my daughters wrap up soccer party and we were required to bring a dish. Since I don't have any money to buy anything or insurance on my car anymore (it ran out over my birthday and he refuses to renew it because I am a deadbeat mother that doesn't financially support her kids) I knew I was at his mercy. The weird thing is I am willing to confront him for things my kids need but I won't confront him for myself. I spent all morning planning what I was going to say and what I would do if he tried to get personal and attack me. I find if I am prepared for an attack its better and doesn't burn as much as when I am not excepting it. I go upstairs and he is still in bed and I have a panic attack and head to the shower. It is a little set back I convince myself but I will relax take a HOT shower then attempt a conversation. My stomach is in knots but I tell myself over and over to be optimistic or I will set myself up for failure. This party is important for my daughter and she is counting on me. I have 6 hours before the party starts so its enough time to see what I can get done.
I will spare you the small details but it went like any other confrontation went. Of course it turned into a personal attack to the point he told me he would take the house the kids and my car. Devastated I wanted to attack him and I got into his face and lost it. I find it so bizarre but he will only start to be somewhat human after he totally breaks me down into NOTHING first. I don't understand how all the skills that the counselors have given me don't work with him. I can be as calm and direct and stick to the topic but those skills only seem to work in the counselors office. I stay on topic but I have to restart over and over because interruptions and talking over me are the norm. Four hours of trying to get my point across he reverts from name calling and put downs to the tactic of I AM TAKING EVERYTHING and leaving you with nothing. That is when I snap I can't handle it anymore. That is when he decides to be a little more understanding and compromising. He says he will get us something to take to the party. I tell him there is no way I can go to a function like that in public in the state of mind I am in. I know the triggers of my panic attacks and in my weak state I am setting myself up for failure. I inform him its time for him to step up to the plate and do something with my daughter to make her feel important. I remind him that with all four kids in all the sports they have been involved with he has only made it to ONE wrap up party. He tried for a few hours to convince me to go but I am standing my ground on this one. I am emotionally unable to go and in all fairness this is his time to step up since he missed her last soccer AND basketball final games. Now the clock is ticking and he is already 30 minutes late and still has to pick something up. He is relentless but as much as my daughter is important to me so is my emotional health. If she doesn't make it to the party she will be disappointed but I really have to stop sacrificing myself if I want to get stronger. Now it's an hour past the start of the party and he is realizing I am not giving up on this. 99% of the time I do give in but when I am certain of something I won't budge. He then says his scalp is itchy and he needs to take another shower to get rid of the flakes. He KNOWS how late they already are but his LOOKS are more important than his daughter getting there. Its now an hour and a half past the party starting and he finally leaves with her. Before he goes in he calls me ONE last time to ask what time the party ends. I inform him for the 5th time that there was never a time given and I am sure the party will go on much later. I know he doesn't want to go in and is looking for an out but I won't give it to him. He tried to put the guilt trip on me saying that he wasn't informed of the plans so why is he wasting his church time for this. I give him an out telling him just to go in drop off the food and let our daughter say goodbye to her coach and friends. I know he is just having a hard time going in and once he is in there he will be OK. I just hate the fact that he felt like he had to let me know how I inconvenienced him even though this is a part of parenting and nothing to do with me.
I feel a little stronger now and decide that I am also going to put my foot down regarding the lack of groceries that are in the house. I am going to wait until the next day as I am not in a good state of mind to go through another round without a good nights sleep.
Anyways it came down to this. It was my daughters wrap up soccer party and we were required to bring a dish. Since I don't have any money to buy anything or insurance on my car anymore (it ran out over my birthday and he refuses to renew it because I am a deadbeat mother that doesn't financially support her kids) I knew I was at his mercy. The weird thing is I am willing to confront him for things my kids need but I won't confront him for myself. I spent all morning planning what I was going to say and what I would do if he tried to get personal and attack me. I find if I am prepared for an attack its better and doesn't burn as much as when I am not excepting it. I go upstairs and he is still in bed and I have a panic attack and head to the shower. It is a little set back I convince myself but I will relax take a HOT shower then attempt a conversation. My stomach is in knots but I tell myself over and over to be optimistic or I will set myself up for failure. This party is important for my daughter and she is counting on me. I have 6 hours before the party starts so its enough time to see what I can get done.
I will spare you the small details but it went like any other confrontation went. Of course it turned into a personal attack to the point he told me he would take the house the kids and my car. Devastated I wanted to attack him and I got into his face and lost it. I find it so bizarre but he will only start to be somewhat human after he totally breaks me down into NOTHING first. I don't understand how all the skills that the counselors have given me don't work with him. I can be as calm and direct and stick to the topic but those skills only seem to work in the counselors office. I stay on topic but I have to restart over and over because interruptions and talking over me are the norm. Four hours of trying to get my point across he reverts from name calling and put downs to the tactic of I AM TAKING EVERYTHING and leaving you with nothing. That is when I snap I can't handle it anymore. That is when he decides to be a little more understanding and compromising. He says he will get us something to take to the party. I tell him there is no way I can go to a function like that in public in the state of mind I am in. I know the triggers of my panic attacks and in my weak state I am setting myself up for failure. I inform him its time for him to step up to the plate and do something with my daughter to make her feel important. I remind him that with all four kids in all the sports they have been involved with he has only made it to ONE wrap up party. He tried for a few hours to convince me to go but I am standing my ground on this one. I am emotionally unable to go and in all fairness this is his time to step up since he missed her last soccer AND basketball final games. Now the clock is ticking and he is already 30 minutes late and still has to pick something up. He is relentless but as much as my daughter is important to me so is my emotional health. If she doesn't make it to the party she will be disappointed but I really have to stop sacrificing myself if I want to get stronger. Now it's an hour past the start of the party and he is realizing I am not giving up on this. 99% of the time I do give in but when I am certain of something I won't budge. He then says his scalp is itchy and he needs to take another shower to get rid of the flakes. He KNOWS how late they already are but his LOOKS are more important than his daughter getting there. Its now an hour and a half past the party starting and he finally leaves with her. Before he goes in he calls me ONE last time to ask what time the party ends. I inform him for the 5th time that there was never a time given and I am sure the party will go on much later. I know he doesn't want to go in and is looking for an out but I won't give it to him. He tried to put the guilt trip on me saying that he wasn't informed of the plans so why is he wasting his church time for this. I give him an out telling him just to go in drop off the food and let our daughter say goodbye to her coach and friends. I know he is just having a hard time going in and once he is in there he will be OK. I just hate the fact that he felt like he had to let me know how I inconvenienced him even though this is a part of parenting and nothing to do with me.
I feel a little stronger now and decide that I am also going to put my foot down regarding the lack of groceries that are in the house. I am going to wait until the next day as I am not in a good state of mind to go through another round without a good nights sleep.
April 2009
Well lets see - my 19th anniversary has passed as well as my 39th birthday four days later. Ask me what my husband did for both days. The same he did on Valentines day - NOTHING!!!! Oh I forgot he did do something for me he canceled my cell phone without informing me first. Great guy isn't he? I am not shocked by this tactic as its the 2nd time he has cancelled my cell phone when he gets into a rage. Don't ask me how many bank accounts he has cancelled in a rage. Without exaggerating I am sure the number is over 15.
Since the blow up of my last blog he has ignored me (his most famous tactic). I used to say I prefer the ignoring as it is better than being put down and called names but by ignoring me the needs of the family and myself is even worse. I did call him on our anniversary to break the silence (99.9% of the time it has been me that has initiated contact when he refuses to talk to me). Again the conversation turned to be about ME ME ME. I knew that we wouldn't be doing anything but I wanted to at least say to myself I tried after all 19 years is a long time to keep a family together these days. I know he tells me I am weak but I feel strong knowing that I am the glue that has kept this family together.
Four days later was my birthday. I thought for sure he would do SOMETHING to acknowledge it as he says birthdays are special. Even in our poorest days we always had cake and a dinner even if was a special homemade one. I wasn't going to initiate contact this time since this is supposed to be my special day. It is a Saturday and he is upstairs in his bed. The hours pass into the afternoon and still he says nothing or comes downstairs. Realization sets in and I give up knowing that this is just a new way for him to hurl his anger at me. I feel bad for my kids as they sit by feeling helpless that they can't do anything for me. We have no groceries to even make a decent meal and no frosting for a cake. I tell my daughter that just having her around is special enough. He eventually comes downstairs and says that the kids want to do something for my birthday (just so I know it has nothing to do with his efforts) but he is broke so he is going out of his way for me. I realize this is more about my kids than for me and I accept and ask my husband about our other 2 sons and if they are aware of these plans. Well there are no plans DUH!! He never plans out events that is always my job. He gets on the phone with one son who is in the middle of coaching his new spring league basketball team. He won't be done until 5:00pm and he is in the city. My girlfriends are throwing a party for me @ 8:00 but it is still workable. In the middle of all this he starts telling my daughter to do dishes which is my sons chore that he has neglected for a few days. I have purposely left the dishes in the sink for him to do this time as I always end up doing it for him which isn't teaching him anything. I inform my husband of what I am doing and this is the weird part. Of all my children - this one particular son is the one I am worried about the most. I see the same narcissistic traits in him as I see in his father. My husband ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS protects this child (even when its obvious he's in the wrong) as if he is protecting HIMSELF as a little kid. My husband is always making excuses for why my son is disrespectful or mean or abusive. I stand my ground and inform my husband that during basketball season that just ended my daughter and I did my sons chores for him as he was always gone for games and practices. My daughter feels that she is getting no credit for taking on the extra chores and she gets ZERO appreciation from her brother that she has helped out. I told my husband that I left those dishes in the sink because I was waiting for my son to do it and had asked him at least times that morning to get them done. I can't blame my son as I know that teens are manipulative when parents are fighting. He knows we are fighting and he knows that DAD will save him from mean evil chores that mom bestows upon him. Again my husband jumps to his defense and says he has already sent my son to change the cat litter box. I tell him that yes that is also his daily chore along with dishes and we had time for him to get them both done. He says our daughter isn't doing anything so she can help him. I tell him that our daughter is done her chores as she does ON her own everyday and shouldn't get rewarded with doing HIS chores. My son had all morning to complete them and was even reminded three times. Instead of just talking this issue out like NORMAL adults do he had to turn it into another personal attack about how I am a deadbeat mother home all day and should be the one doing the dishes and how can I sit with my back to the sink all morning with dirty dishes in the sink. I keep my cool and tell him again that by me doing his 2 daily chores everyday has resulted in it becoming an expectation for him with zero appreciation and that kids need chores as a tool for life. (DUH he helped me create the chore list and was the one that said himself our kids were spoiled and needed to do more work like he did as a kid). I said I decided that since it was my birthday I wasn't going to do his chores for him (even though sometimes I find it easier to do than to go through a confrontation with my son). Again he started in on the name calling and put downs instead of sticking to the topic. Me in tears I just say forget about doing anything I don't want to go anywhere in public with him (Another tactic he uses is he has no shame about attacking me in public and often likes to get me upset as he knows I will cry and have a panic attack while he looks like the cool sane one). He says fine that he is broke anyways and can't afford to spend his money on a deadbeat mother. I want to cry but at least I have my girlfriends and their support and love.
The next day my middle son calls me as he is concerned about why no one had set up something for my birthday. When he called I had already left for my birthday party and he found out his father hadn't even planned cake. My son also found out my cell was cut off and wanted to know what was going on. He called me the next day and wanted to take me out for lunch with the LITTLE money he had after selling his IPOD. MY HEART wanted to fall out at that very moment. This little gesture did more for me knowing how special it was. I tried to decline knowing it was the only money he had but he insisted. I was so proud of this 16 year old child that wanted to make his mother feel special. At lunch, he wanted to know what was going on with dad because we always had cake and dinner on birthdays. I don't want to lie to my son (he knows full well what happens in the home) but I wasn't to spare him the details. He is still only 16 and its not his burden. He then says I need cake so I compromise with him and say I will pay for frosting as we did have a cake mix at home. I knew how important it was for my daughter to feel like she also did something for my birthday so a cake was a perfect way and of course I would enjoy it. I had such a great time with my son seeing how mature he was. We are getting closer and closer and he gets older and we are able to talk about things on a much mature level than before. Out of a crisis comes something beautiful :)
I took the frosting mix home which made my daughter very happy. She started to make the cake and didn't want ANY help from me at all. My first instinct was to jump in and help her but I knew it was important for her to do it by herself. I offered my help if she needed it and made a conscious promise to myself to NOT LOOK!!! We have made cakes together often enough that I have confidence in her skills and safety. POOR thing the cake fell apart while she was icing it and I told her it would taste the same in chunks as it would whole and not to worry it was a beautiful cake. She went and got her brother and dad to sing happy birthday to me. I was so worried he wouldn't come downstairs just to spite me but he surprised me and sang happy birthday with the kids (even though it was a day late). She asked him if he wanted a piece and he declined running back upstairs to his cave. It was the best tasting cake I ever had knowing how much love was out into it by my kids :)
I had a great time at my birthday party with my friends. We started out at my friend's house having cosmos and chatting and then went to the local pub to sing karaoke. The sad part was halfway through the night I had another panic attack and left without saying goodbye. I haven't told my friends about my panic attacks they just know sometimes I leave suddenly without saying goodbye. When I woke up in the morning I decided it was time to do something about these attacks and to start telling my friends the truth. I will start out with the most understanding one and see how it goes.
Since the blow up of my last blog he has ignored me (his most famous tactic). I used to say I prefer the ignoring as it is better than being put down and called names but by ignoring me the needs of the family and myself is even worse. I did call him on our anniversary to break the silence (99.9% of the time it has been me that has initiated contact when he refuses to talk to me). Again the conversation turned to be about ME ME ME. I knew that we wouldn't be doing anything but I wanted to at least say to myself I tried after all 19 years is a long time to keep a family together these days. I know he tells me I am weak but I feel strong knowing that I am the glue that has kept this family together.
Four days later was my birthday. I thought for sure he would do SOMETHING to acknowledge it as he says birthdays are special. Even in our poorest days we always had cake and a dinner even if was a special homemade one. I wasn't going to initiate contact this time since this is supposed to be my special day. It is a Saturday and he is upstairs in his bed. The hours pass into the afternoon and still he says nothing or comes downstairs. Realization sets in and I give up knowing that this is just a new way for him to hurl his anger at me. I feel bad for my kids as they sit by feeling helpless that they can't do anything for me. We have no groceries to even make a decent meal and no frosting for a cake. I tell my daughter that just having her around is special enough. He eventually comes downstairs and says that the kids want to do something for my birthday (just so I know it has nothing to do with his efforts) but he is broke so he is going out of his way for me. I realize this is more about my kids than for me and I accept and ask my husband about our other 2 sons and if they are aware of these plans. Well there are no plans DUH!! He never plans out events that is always my job. He gets on the phone with one son who is in the middle of coaching his new spring league basketball team. He won't be done until 5:00pm and he is in the city. My girlfriends are throwing a party for me @ 8:00 but it is still workable. In the middle of all this he starts telling my daughter to do dishes which is my sons chore that he has neglected for a few days. I have purposely left the dishes in the sink for him to do this time as I always end up doing it for him which isn't teaching him anything. I inform my husband of what I am doing and this is the weird part. Of all my children - this one particular son is the one I am worried about the most. I see the same narcissistic traits in him as I see in his father. My husband ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS protects this child (even when its obvious he's in the wrong) as if he is protecting HIMSELF as a little kid. My husband is always making excuses for why my son is disrespectful or mean or abusive. I stand my ground and inform my husband that during basketball season that just ended my daughter and I did my sons chores for him as he was always gone for games and practices. My daughter feels that she is getting no credit for taking on the extra chores and she gets ZERO appreciation from her brother that she has helped out. I told my husband that I left those dishes in the sink because I was waiting for my son to do it and had asked him at least times that morning to get them done. I can't blame my son as I know that teens are manipulative when parents are fighting. He knows we are fighting and he knows that DAD will save him from mean evil chores that mom bestows upon him. Again my husband jumps to his defense and says he has already sent my son to change the cat litter box. I tell him that yes that is also his daily chore along with dishes and we had time for him to get them both done. He says our daughter isn't doing anything so she can help him. I tell him that our daughter is done her chores as she does ON her own everyday and shouldn't get rewarded with doing HIS chores. My son had all morning to complete them and was even reminded three times. Instead of just talking this issue out like NORMAL adults do he had to turn it into another personal attack about how I am a deadbeat mother home all day and should be the one doing the dishes and how can I sit with my back to the sink all morning with dirty dishes in the sink. I keep my cool and tell him again that by me doing his 2 daily chores everyday has resulted in it becoming an expectation for him with zero appreciation and that kids need chores as a tool for life. (DUH he helped me create the chore list and was the one that said himself our kids were spoiled and needed to do more work like he did as a kid). I said I decided that since it was my birthday I wasn't going to do his chores for him (even though sometimes I find it easier to do than to go through a confrontation with my son). Again he started in on the name calling and put downs instead of sticking to the topic. Me in tears I just say forget about doing anything I don't want to go anywhere in public with him (Another tactic he uses is he has no shame about attacking me in public and often likes to get me upset as he knows I will cry and have a panic attack while he looks like the cool sane one). He says fine that he is broke anyways and can't afford to spend his money on a deadbeat mother. I want to cry but at least I have my girlfriends and their support and love.
The next day my middle son calls me as he is concerned about why no one had set up something for my birthday. When he called I had already left for my birthday party and he found out his father hadn't even planned cake. My son also found out my cell was cut off and wanted to know what was going on. He called me the next day and wanted to take me out for lunch with the LITTLE money he had after selling his IPOD. MY HEART wanted to fall out at that very moment. This little gesture did more for me knowing how special it was. I tried to decline knowing it was the only money he had but he insisted. I was so proud of this 16 year old child that wanted to make his mother feel special. At lunch, he wanted to know what was going on with dad because we always had cake and dinner on birthdays. I don't want to lie to my son (he knows full well what happens in the home) but I wasn't to spare him the details. He is still only 16 and its not his burden. He then says I need cake so I compromise with him and say I will pay for frosting as we did have a cake mix at home. I knew how important it was for my daughter to feel like she also did something for my birthday so a cake was a perfect way and of course I would enjoy it. I had such a great time with my son seeing how mature he was. We are getting closer and closer and he gets older and we are able to talk about things on a much mature level than before. Out of a crisis comes something beautiful :)
I took the frosting mix home which made my daughter very happy. She started to make the cake and didn't want ANY help from me at all. My first instinct was to jump in and help her but I knew it was important for her to do it by herself. I offered my help if she needed it and made a conscious promise to myself to NOT LOOK!!! We have made cakes together often enough that I have confidence in her skills and safety. POOR thing the cake fell apart while she was icing it and I told her it would taste the same in chunks as it would whole and not to worry it was a beautiful cake. She went and got her brother and dad to sing happy birthday to me. I was so worried he wouldn't come downstairs just to spite me but he surprised me and sang happy birthday with the kids (even though it was a day late). She asked him if he wanted a piece and he declined running back upstairs to his cave. It was the best tasting cake I ever had knowing how much love was out into it by my kids :)
I had a great time at my birthday party with my friends. We started out at my friend's house having cosmos and chatting and then went to the local pub to sing karaoke. The sad part was halfway through the night I had another panic attack and left without saying goodbye. I haven't told my friends about my panic attacks they just know sometimes I leave suddenly without saying goodbye. When I woke up in the morning I decided it was time to do something about these attacks and to start telling my friends the truth. I will start out with the most understanding one and see how it goes.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
09/03/23
Its just a little past midnight. I thought I was prepared for any little bombs he wanted to throw at me. I had asked him earlier if he could drive me to the store as we had nothing for dinner. When he is in the middle of a rage one tactic he uses is not to buy groceries or buy groceries without me even though I do all the cooking and meal planning. He told me once that his brother gave him the advice to starve me out. He was on the phone with his twin sister for hours. I gave up around 10:00 of there being any hope to give my kids a decent Sunday Dinner. I showed my daughter how to make Oatmeal and promised her a great dinner for tomorrow. Little did I know he had snuck out and went shopping on his own. Again he buys things that I can't work with and doesn't even ask my input. The kids have no milk AGAIN for tomorrow and they will come looking to me for it.
He came home and put the groceries he did buy away and began to make himself something to eat. I continued to watch TV although I was very aware of his presence and waiting for him to attack. I sleep on the couch downstairs so technically I was already 'in bed'. I tried to make very little noise so not to draw attention to myself but it didn't work because when he was finished he asked me 'Do you want to talk about this?"
I asked him what he meant exactly - he said about our pending divorce (Divorce is something he threatens me with ever few weeks). I asked him who in their right mind brings up a serious topic of conversation at midnight. He then said I wasn't a nice person (whatever that means) and that if I didn't talk to him THEN and NOW he was going to have to do what he had to do. He then said he already lost ONE SON and didn't want to lose anymore (Another story I will get into later). He said it was my fault that his kids were dysfunctional and it was up to him to save them.
I then accused him of only bringing it up at this hour to drop a little bomb on me the same way he went shopping for groceries without me even though I had asked him. He ran up the stairs saying some rude things and I asked him how was I supposed to have a rational conversation with someone that was rude and calling me names. This is the part I find the weirdest about him - even though he will call me names or put me down - he will deny it SECONDS later. Even tonight he was asking me WHAT DID I SAY THAT WAS RUDE?!?! Moments after he was saying I wasn't a nice person and I am not a good mother. I then reminded him that only a week ago he admitted that he wouldnt want his OWN daughter in a marriage like I had being treated the was I was treated. He then said I wasn't a nice person AGAIN so I asked him if that meant it was OK for him to treat me the way he does. He ran up to his room AGAIN and said something to the point of he tried talking me to me and it didn't work so he had to do what he had to do. (He likes leaving conversations with threats of the unknown a tactic I am well aware of) I know what he is doing at this point. The last 2 times we were in counselling together he tried to bring it up to the counselor how he TRIED to have rational conversations about leaving me and it wasn't all threats. The good news is that the last counselor saw right through him. She was the one that helped me HELP ME. His words and attacks don't hold the same power they once used to. I am prepared for his attacks and I don't believe him anymore. He had me convinced for YEARS I was the crazy one and that my family was dysfunctional. He had me believe that I deserved his abuse because somehow he had to teach me how to be a better woman. I thank GOD all the time for this counselor who helped me see these patterns. As smart and intelligent as I am I lost sight and couldn't see what was happening. It took YEARS to take a strong independent female down and I don't have years to build it back up but at least I have the tools now.
He came home and put the groceries he did buy away and began to make himself something to eat. I continued to watch TV although I was very aware of his presence and waiting for him to attack. I sleep on the couch downstairs so technically I was already 'in bed'. I tried to make very little noise so not to draw attention to myself but it didn't work because when he was finished he asked me 'Do you want to talk about this?"
I asked him what he meant exactly - he said about our pending divorce (Divorce is something he threatens me with ever few weeks). I asked him who in their right mind brings up a serious topic of conversation at midnight. He then said I wasn't a nice person (whatever that means) and that if I didn't talk to him THEN and NOW he was going to have to do what he had to do. He then said he already lost ONE SON and didn't want to lose anymore (Another story I will get into later). He said it was my fault that his kids were dysfunctional and it was up to him to save them.
I then accused him of only bringing it up at this hour to drop a little bomb on me the same way he went shopping for groceries without me even though I had asked him. He ran up the stairs saying some rude things and I asked him how was I supposed to have a rational conversation with someone that was rude and calling me names. This is the part I find the weirdest about him - even though he will call me names or put me down - he will deny it SECONDS later. Even tonight he was asking me WHAT DID I SAY THAT WAS RUDE?!?! Moments after he was saying I wasn't a nice person and I am not a good mother. I then reminded him that only a week ago he admitted that he wouldnt want his OWN daughter in a marriage like I had being treated the was I was treated. He then said I wasn't a nice person AGAIN so I asked him if that meant it was OK for him to treat me the way he does. He ran up to his room AGAIN and said something to the point of he tried talking me to me and it didn't work so he had to do what he had to do. (He likes leaving conversations with threats of the unknown a tactic I am well aware of) I know what he is doing at this point. The last 2 times we were in counselling together he tried to bring it up to the counselor how he TRIED to have rational conversations about leaving me and it wasn't all threats. The good news is that the last counselor saw right through him. She was the one that helped me HELP ME. His words and attacks don't hold the same power they once used to. I am prepared for his attacks and I don't believe him anymore. He had me convinced for YEARS I was the crazy one and that my family was dysfunctional. He had me believe that I deserved his abuse because somehow he had to teach me how to be a better woman. I thank GOD all the time for this counselor who helped me see these patterns. As smart and intelligent as I am I lost sight and couldn't see what was happening. It took YEARS to take a strong independent female down and I don't have years to build it back up but at least I have the tools now.
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