Summer of 2009

Oh what a summer!!

Have things happened in between that I have forgotten to blog? YES

Well not forgotten I don't think I wanted to relive the pain of telling the stories.

I have had the police called on me (again) I have been called a dirty slut and had my life threatened by him. He has told the kids they don't have to respect me and told my son that stole my money that he didn't have to pay me back. Sadly he has said most of these things while the kids were around or in hearing distance.

This is where my guilt comes in. I know I should have left a long time ago. Because of the pain of my own parents divorce I was trying to prevent my kids going through what I did. This has backfired on me BIG TIME as now I am watching my kids suffer for my poor decision making. When I told my husband the only reasons for leaving him would be adultery and if he ever hit me I should have included emotional, financial, spiritual abuse as well.

Now I am watching my daughter so scared of being banished from her father's life that she is continually trying to please him and playing cute when he is around. It breaks my heart into a million pieces as I know the final outcome will be my daughter is set up to be one of those women that stay in a bad relationship at any cost. My middle son is also in that same position. He is in a very controlling relationship for almost 3 years (since he was 14) and can't seem to leave. My other two sons have picked up on how to fight unfair. IF there is an issue that needs to be talked about or resolved, my boys won't stick to the topic - they will resort into personal, vindictive, attacks to make a point. If anything bothers me about my relationship with my husband - it is watching my children suffer because I was too cowardly to leave. Sadly I think my youngest son might also have NDP but as my counselor said he can't be diagnosed until hes older. I try to get the regrets out of my head and look forward but their behaviors and actions are constant reminders of what I ahve done. I can only ask for GOD and my children to forgive me - this was never my intention.