Are you Emotionally Abused?

I took this quiz off this site about Emotional Abuse.

http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html

Abuse 101

Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions:

1) Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?

ALL THE TIME!!! I go out of my way to make sure I don't upset him and hes upset anyways. My girlfriend witnessed something I go through all the time. On his way home from work he called to met me know he was on his way home late as usual. I had to wait for him to being me money or the bank card (he has control of all the finances) and he was being all sweet on the phone. Ten minutes later when he walked through the door he was moody and rude and barely gave my girlfriend a response when she said 'hello' to him. I LIVE EVERY DAY walking on egg shells but it doesn't matter he will find something to be angry about.


2) Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?

I usually keep my mouth shut as even small disagreements can turn into a huge crisis. Sometimes out of frustration I will bring things up like his ongoing lateness. Instead of talking about the subject it gets turned into my issue and how DARE I treat him like HITLER by questioning his time management skills. Everything that upsets me lives inside me - I am NOT allowed to have issues.

3) Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?

I am always guilty of something I never did or said or meant. He is KING of being able to tell me what I think or what I meant even if I try to clarify myself. He has some extraordinary power that gives him insight into what I REALLY meant or what I was really up to. If I make him a cake I am trying to cover something up. I honestly gave up doing small little acts of love just because it was more of a headache than anything.

4) Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?

Just making it through a day without a crisis is a GOOD DAY!! Why bring up money matters when it will be my fault anyways?

5) Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?

YES YES and YES!! If it wasn't for my counselor I would still feel this way. Sadly, even though I am much better, there are still deep traumas I find it hard to get over. I know it isn't 100% my fault but I feel so imperfect that I still question it. I feel like everyone looks at me as a broken person.

6) Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?

From his home life to our finances to what he is doing when he is late. He never shares anything and even when asked directly he finds ways to avoid answering. He sees INFORMATION as a weapon and the less I know the more power he has. What he does with our finances is another mystery. We had $50,000 but it is NOW all gone and apparently I spent it all LOL Even though I don't have access to his accounts. When he bought 2 cars from an auction and when he has paid a lawyer $12,000 - I didn't find out until I pressured him for information.

7) Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?

Giving my opinion on a matter is stupid as he will always give the opposite view. Then down the road will take my opinion and claim it was his own. I am never 'right'.

8) Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?

Being in crisis is so bad for the kids it is better for me to do what he asks and take the burden upon my self rather than put the kids through it.

9) Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?

EVERYDAY!! LOL

10) Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?

He has all the power in the relationship. All the finances are in his name. When we remortgaged the house he paid all his bills leaving me with a bad credit record. My name wasn't on the house title or my own car until a counselor advised him to do otherwise. If I want money for GAS I have to crawl to him nicely just so I can get my kids to a practice or game. Even for groceries I have to beg plead and cry.

11) Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?

In the beginning he always praised my friends and family. Now all my friends are drunks or adulterers or losers. He makes it difficult to go to family get-to-gethers saying at the last minute he doesn't want to go. He has even pulled his stunt at funerals etc. He doesn't mind giving me a piece of his mind in front of people often creating embarrassing situations. When we are in public I bit my tongue the whole time and avoid his just so he cant perceive any insults to him.

12) Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?

Again I used to take all the BLAME but counselling sure helped me look at things in a different light. Yes I am imperfect BUT I AM NOT FLAWED and cause for all bad things that happen to this marriage and our kids. If our kids get caught stealing, drinking, having sex, lying - it used to be all my fault. I can't believe I used to believe it all!! I still have to catch myself sometimes but I feel more empowered knowing its not all ME!!

13) Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?

LOL - what sex? For him its a grisly chore that means I take power away from him

14) Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?

Thank GOD he doesn't - I can just imagine who worse it would be adding alcohol or drugs to the equation.

15) Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?

Yes and he makes the jokes about me to my kids, family, and friends. It is always in the guise of 'good' fun but its the same things he will attack me with in one of his rages.

16) Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?

On the surface he appears to make fun of his shortcomings. I never could put my finger on it but I always felt like he was insincere. He would make a fun about himself being late in a joking manner but if he felt like he was being challenged it was no longer a joke. It is like he makes the joke to 'appear' funny but if we made the joke about him it would have a different outcome.

17) Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?

In the 19 years I have been married never ONCE has he apologized to me. When he feels like I am at the end of my rope - he will look like he is upset about the state of our marriage but he NEVER apologizes. He will say thing like, "I know I shouldn't have brought up your daughter but if you hadn't brought up the fact I was late we would never have started fighting." He can say I LOVE YOU easier than I AM SORRY and I AM WRONG!

18) Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?

He is the GOD of this family and nothing gets done unless he decided it. Even grocery shopping even though I am the meal planner and cook. When I grounded my son for stealing over $1800.00 - my husband reversed my decision and told my son he was no longer grounded and he didn't have to pay me back. This was because I had made the decision without him even though it wasn't HIS money that was stolen.

19) Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?

I am financially dependent on him. I don't get ANY access to funds. When I was in charge of our finances if we got $2000.00 in debt I was a poor money manager. Now that I have no say in the matter we are a lot further in debt than that. Large amounts of money have gone missing and even though I don't have access to it somehow its MY FAULT?!?!? HE spent $12,000 on a lawyer for a civil case (without my knowledge) yet wouldn't give me $20.00 last night to go for dinner with a friend.

20) Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?

Of course!! If he finds this BLOG I will regret it. Knowing that I am leaving him soon gives me some relief. This BLOG is like therapy for me being able to express my feelings. God protect me if he ever sees it though. Am I being Emotionally Abused? Id say yes.