09/03/22

This morning I woke up and regretfully was too ill to go to my daughter's games. Like a coward I was too scared to go through another episode like I did the day before when I asked him about driving her to the game. Like a coward I asked her to go up and ask her dad for a ride into the city for her game. GOD I FEEL SO BAD I felt so small watching her come down the stairs informing me that her dad was too busy to drive her because he had to work. I FELT SO GUILTY that I put her through that. GOD I can really be stupid and thoughtless sometimes.

I apologized to her for not being able to go ( I NEVER EVER EVER miss my children's activities unless there is a schedule conflict or unless I am sick). I call my girlfriend AGAIN and ask her for another favor AGAIN. If she ever got tired of me I would be so screwed. My husband doesn't have any friends so if we ever get caught in a bind (car trouble, illness, schedule conflicts) it is usually up to me to find the kids alternate rides. My daughter had already left to her game but the pills I took had kicked in and I wasn't feeling so badly. This was her LAST GAME of the year so I thought I should get up and go to support her. Then realization kicked in - I don't have a working vehicle. Rage from feeling helpless kicked in knowing that her father should WANT to go with her. He NEVER works on a Sunday and he spent his whole day in bed. I wanted to be strong enough to demand that he take me or let me use his vehicle since that is what almost every other couple does for one another. As a parent he should WANT to go support his daughter !!!! I am THAT close to going upstairs and confronting him about it but I feel beaten up and weakened from the day before let alone being a little feverish.

I spent the morning feeling like POOP of a mother. I even found myself blaming myself for the girl's losing their final game even though I know this is so irrational. The thoughts creep in though - IF ONLY i had gone to the game and supported my daughter they might have WON (It even sounds stupid typing it). I don't know why I am so quick to blame myself as I am so careful about placing blame with other people. I find blame so useless but dump it on myself when things go wrong. Again if it wasn't for my wonderful Counselors I would be dead or in jail.