09/03/23

Its just a little past midnight. I thought I was prepared for any little bombs he wanted to throw at me. I had asked him earlier if he could drive me to the store as we had nothing for dinner. When he is in the middle of a rage one tactic he uses is not to buy groceries or buy groceries without me even though I do all the cooking and meal planning. He told me once that his brother gave him the advice to starve me out. He was on the phone with his twin sister for hours. I gave up around 10:00 of there being any hope to give my kids a decent Sunday Dinner. I showed my daughter how to make Oatmeal and promised her a great dinner for tomorrow. Little did I know he had snuck out and went shopping on his own. Again he buys things that I can't work with and doesn't even ask my input. The kids have no milk AGAIN for tomorrow and they will come looking to me for it.

He came home and put the groceries he did buy away and began to make himself something to eat. I continued to watch TV although I was very aware of his presence and waiting for him to attack. I sleep on the couch downstairs so technically I was already 'in bed'. I tried to make very little noise so not to draw attention to myself but it didn't work because when he was finished he asked me 'Do you want to talk about this?"

I asked him what he meant exactly - he said about our pending divorce (Divorce is something he threatens me with ever few weeks). I asked him who in their right mind brings up a serious topic of conversation at midnight. He then said I wasn't a nice person (whatever that means) and that if I didn't talk to him THEN and NOW he was going to have to do what he had to do. He then said he already lost ONE SON and didn't want to lose anymore (Another story I will get into later). He said it was my fault that his kids were dysfunctional and it was up to him to save them.

I then accused him of only bringing it up at this hour to drop a little bomb on me the same way he went shopping for groceries without me even though I had asked him. He ran up the stairs saying some rude things and I asked him how was I supposed to have a rational conversation with someone that was rude and calling me names. This is the part I find the weirdest about him - even though he will call me names or put me down - he will deny it SECONDS later. Even tonight he was asking me WHAT DID I SAY THAT WAS RUDE?!?! Moments after he was saying I wasn't a nice person and I am not a good mother. I then reminded him that only a week ago he admitted that he wouldnt want his OWN daughter in a marriage like I had being treated the was I was treated. He then said I wasn't a nice person AGAIN so I asked him if that meant it was OK for him to treat me the way he does. He ran up to his room AGAIN and said something to the point of he tried talking me to me and it didn't work so he had to do what he had to do. (He likes leaving conversations with threats of the unknown a tactic I am well aware of) I know what he is doing at this point. The last 2 times we were in counselling together he tried to bring it up to the counselor how he TRIED to have rational conversations about leaving me and it wasn't all threats. The good news is that the last counselor saw right through him. She was the one that helped me HELP ME. His words and attacks don't hold the same power they once used to. I am prepared for his attacks and I don't believe him anymore. He had me convinced for YEARS I was the crazy one and that my family was dysfunctional. He had me believe that I deserved his abuse because somehow he had to teach me how to be a better woman. I thank GOD all the time for this counselor who helped me see these patterns. As smart and intelligent as I am I lost sight and couldn't see what was happening. It took YEARS to take a strong independent female down and I don't have years to build it back up but at least I have the tools now.