Its just a little past midnight. I thought I was prepared for any little bombs he wanted to throw at me. I had asked him earlier if he could drive me to the store as we had nothing for dinner. When he is in the middle of a rage one tactic he uses is not to buy groceries or buy groceries without me even though I do all the cooking and meal planning. He told me once that his brother gave him the advice to starve me out. He was on the phone with his twin sister for hours. I gave up around 10:00 of there being any hope to give my kids a decent Sunday Dinner. I showed my daughter how to make Oatmeal and promised her a great dinner for tomorrow. Little did I know he had snuck out and went shopping on his own. Again he buys things that I can't work with and doesn't even ask my input. The kids have no milk AGAIN for tomorrow and they will come looking to me for it.
He came home and put the groceries he did buy away and began to make himself something to eat. I continued to watch TV although I was very aware of his presence and waiting for him to attack. I sleep on the couch downstairs so technically I was already 'in bed'. I tried to make very little noise so not to draw attention to myself but it didn't work because when he was finished he asked me 'Do you want to talk about this?"
I asked him what he meant exactly - he said about our pending divorce (Divorce is something he threatens me with ever few weeks). I asked him who in their right mind brings up a serious topic of conversation at midnight. He then said I wasn't a nice person (whatever that means) and that if I didn't talk to him THEN and NOW he was going to have to do what he had to do. He then said he already lost ONE SON and didn't want to lose anymore (Another story I will get into later). He said it was my fault that his kids were dysfunctional and it was up to him to save them.
I then accused him of only bringing it up at this hour to drop a little bomb on me the same way he went shopping for groceries without me even though I had asked him. He ran up the stairs saying some rude things and I asked him how was I supposed to have a rational conversation with someone that was rude and calling me names. This is the part I find the weirdest about him - even though he will call me names or put me down - he will deny it SECONDS later. Even tonight he was asking me WHAT DID I SAY THAT WAS RUDE?!?! Moments after he was saying I wasn't a nice person and I am not a good mother. I then reminded him that only a week ago he admitted that he wouldnt want his OWN daughter in a marriage like I had being treated the was I was treated. He then said I wasn't a nice person AGAIN so I asked him if that meant it was OK for him to treat me the way he does. He ran up to his room AGAIN and said something to the point of he tried talking me to me and it didn't work so he had to do what he had to do. (He likes leaving conversations with threats of the unknown a tactic I am well aware of) I know what he is doing at this point. The last 2 times we were in counselling together he tried to bring it up to the counselor how he TRIED to have rational conversations about leaving me and it wasn't all threats. The good news is that the last counselor saw right through him. She was the one that helped me HELP ME. His words and attacks don't hold the same power they once used to. I am prepared for his attacks and I don't believe him anymore. He had me convinced for YEARS I was the crazy one and that my family was dysfunctional. He had me believe that I deserved his abuse because somehow he had to teach me how to be a better woman. I thank GOD all the time for this counselor who helped me see these patterns. As smart and intelligent as I am I lost sight and couldn't see what was happening. It took YEARS to take a strong independent female down and I don't have years to build it back up but at least I have the tools now.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
09/03/22
This morning I woke up and regretfully was too ill to go to my daughter's games. Like a coward I was too scared to go through another episode like I did the day before when I asked him about driving her to the game. Like a coward I asked her to go up and ask her dad for a ride into the city for her game. GOD I FEEL SO BAD I felt so small watching her come down the stairs informing me that her dad was too busy to drive her because he had to work. I FELT SO GUILTY that I put her through that. GOD I can really be stupid and thoughtless sometimes.
I apologized to her for not being able to go ( I NEVER EVER EVER miss my children's activities unless there is a schedule conflict or unless I am sick). I call my girlfriend AGAIN and ask her for another favor AGAIN. If she ever got tired of me I would be so screwed. My husband doesn't have any friends so if we ever get caught in a bind (car trouble, illness, schedule conflicts) it is usually up to me to find the kids alternate rides. My daughter had already left to her game but the pills I took had kicked in and I wasn't feeling so badly. This was her LAST GAME of the year so I thought I should get up and go to support her. Then realization kicked in - I don't have a working vehicle. Rage from feeling helpless kicked in knowing that her father should WANT to go with her. He NEVER works on a Sunday and he spent his whole day in bed. I wanted to be strong enough to demand that he take me or let me use his vehicle since that is what almost every other couple does for one another. As a parent he should WANT to go support his daughter !!!! I am THAT close to going upstairs and confronting him about it but I feel beaten up and weakened from the day before let alone being a little feverish.
I spent the morning feeling like POOP of a mother. I even found myself blaming myself for the girl's losing their final game even though I know this is so irrational. The thoughts creep in though - IF ONLY i had gone to the game and supported my daughter they might have WON (It even sounds stupid typing it). I don't know why I am so quick to blame myself as I am so careful about placing blame with other people. I find blame so useless but dump it on myself when things go wrong. Again if it wasn't for my wonderful Counselors I would be dead or in jail.
I apologized to her for not being able to go ( I NEVER EVER EVER miss my children's activities unless there is a schedule conflict or unless I am sick). I call my girlfriend AGAIN and ask her for another favor AGAIN. If she ever got tired of me I would be so screwed. My husband doesn't have any friends so if we ever get caught in a bind (car trouble, illness, schedule conflicts) it is usually up to me to find the kids alternate rides. My daughter had already left to her game but the pills I took had kicked in and I wasn't feeling so badly. This was her LAST GAME of the year so I thought I should get up and go to support her. Then realization kicked in - I don't have a working vehicle. Rage from feeling helpless kicked in knowing that her father should WANT to go with her. He NEVER works on a Sunday and he spent his whole day in bed. I wanted to be strong enough to demand that he take me or let me use his vehicle since that is what almost every other couple does for one another. As a parent he should WANT to go support his daughter !!!! I am THAT close to going upstairs and confronting him about it but I feel beaten up and weakened from the day before let alone being a little feverish.
I spent the morning feeling like POOP of a mother. I even found myself blaming myself for the girl's losing their final game even though I know this is so irrational. The thoughts creep in though - IF ONLY i had gone to the game and supported my daughter they might have WON (It even sounds stupid typing it). I don't know why I am so quick to blame myself as I am so careful about placing blame with other people. I find blame so useless but dump it on myself when things go wrong. Again if it wasn't for my wonderful Counselors I would be dead or in jail.
Narcissistic rage
According to WIKI Narcissistic Rage is defined as:
Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.[5] To the narcissist, the rage is directed towards the person that they feel has slighted them; to other people, the rage is incoherent and unjust. This rage impairs their cognition, therefore impairing their judgment. During the rage they are prone to shouting, fact distortion and making groundless accusations. It’s believed that narcissists have two layers of rage. The first layer of rage can be thought of as a constant anger (towards someone else), and the second layer being a self-aimed wrath. Two specific identified forms of narcissistic rage are explosive and passive-aggressive. The explosive form being an obvious anger, for example, damaging property (or people) and being verbally abusive. The passive-aggressive sort might be sulking or giving their target the silent treatment. They can become enraged to the point of being homicidal especially if he/she has the need to seek revenge.[6] Narcissistic rage is usually short lasting, but can provoke problems towards those that the anger is targeted towards.
If you are in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP) then you know all to well what Narcissistic Rage is.
At the moment I am not sure what I have done to set my husband of 18 years (19 years in a few days) but I recognize the pattern.
"Two specific identified forms of narcissistic rage are explosive and passive-aggressive."
All humans display these kind of behaviours but when dealing with an 'N' you know you are not playing with someone that adheres to the same rules.
"The explosive form being an obvious anger, for example, damaging property (or people) and being verbally abusive. The passive-aggressive sort might be sulking or giving their target the silent treatment."
I always knew deep down inside something was wrong with my perfect Christian husband but I was unable to put it into words or describe it until I met a wonderful Counselor ( I will go into that story at a later time.
At the moment I am not sure what I have done to bring on this latest NR from my husband or what he is mad about this time. This pattern is normal for us and even with so many different counselors trying to help my N doesn't get it. These displays of childish behavior are so normal for him that he thinks everyone else is crazy and he is the only normal one.
09/03/21 Yesterday was our daughter's GOLD medal game finals for soccer. My husband KNOWS I cannot drive into the city as I have a big hole in one of my tires. He has known for a week about her games and the fact that our son in college is coming to watch the games with us. I already know he will use this opportunity to 'SHOW' me he is upset. There are no fairness rules when it comes to his rage. Even at the expense of his kids he will use any chance to make life miserable as possible for me. He also knows I won't stress out the kids or let them know what he does (the rules do not apply for me though). I am ready to puke as I approach him yesterday morning to remind him about her games. I usually cope by imaging every possible scenario so I am not SHOCKED or UPSET by the outcomes. Sometimes he even has a change of heart and being an optimist I try to hope for the best. I do prepare myself for the worst just in case as nothing is worse then not being ready for any terrorist bombs he might throw my way.
I make a quick prayer before I enter his bedroom ( I will explain why I say HIS bedroom at a later time), and remind him that we have to leave in an hour hoping this will give him enough time to get ready. He informs me that since I am a deadbeat parent and do not financially contribute to the household that he doesn't have to drive my daughter to the game. I know this explanation doesn't make sense to MOST PEOPLE. I don't know how the fact that I am not currently working has anything to do with driving OUR daughter to her games but in his brain it does. I know from past experiences not to bother debating this point as 1) I will never get a chance because he speaks over me 2) He will get personal and take the focus of the topic and on to me so I try to leave the room. I remind him that this is about his daughters games and not me as calmly and reasonable as possible. Too late the verbal attacks begin. Thankfully I was prepared for his poisonous words so they wouldn't sting as much.
I call a friend of mine whose daughter is also on the team. I don't usually resort to crying in front of other people but I feel so shameful having to call her AGAIN and asking her for a favor AGAIN and knowing she looks at me like WHY DO YOU CHOOSE to stay with him. AGAIN she tells me to suck it up and she will be there for me AGAIN. She will take us both into the city and be our guardians for the afternoon. Since there will be 2 games I know that the expectation is we will do lunch as a team. I decide to bring snacks and drinks with us just in case. I do have enough money still to afford a lunch at McDonalds but I know this is not usually the places the parents go to. I am hoping that I can send my daughter off with the parents and stick around the soccer dome with my eldest son feeding him the drinks and snacks. My N also has full control of the finances (again stories I will go into at a later time) so I have to be careful with every dime I get during the good periods.
My daughter asks my husband if he will go to her game before we leave and thankfully he says he will be there. I am so pleased for her sake as its very important to her. My eldest son wants to go with his father instead of which upsets me since I was the one that invited him and knowing my 'N' my son will not be at her game on time. I am upset with my son but I also know its not his fault. He does love his dad and he knows and sees what happens to people who get on my 'N's bad side so I can't blame him.
Of course its almost the end of her game before my N and 2 if my sons show up. For some reason my N is always late to events that are important to me. Since he has only been to 2 of her other soccer games I regretfully made it a point to stress to him how important it was to her and to me that he show up. It was no surprise that he showed up late since he makes it no secret that he doesn't like 'girl' sports because we are boring. He never talks to the parents on the team because for some reason he thinks they don't like him. I have NO IDEA where this came from and he can't give me clear answers as to why he feels that way. Again he sits in a corner away from all of us. I am happy though because my daughter will never know when he showed up she will just be happy hes there.
After the game the parents want to go for lunch at a restaurant near the dome. I ask my husband what we were going to do drive back home for 2 hours or go with the team. He has no problems letting our kids see his disdain for the parents and says they are not his friends so why should he go with them. I counter with the fact it is his daughter's team and this day is about her. Knowing I don't have the funds for it he offers to drop my daughter and I off at the restaurant. SHE WAS THE ONLY PLAYER THAT DIDN'T DINE with the team. I of course have to decline and submit to his mercy. I ask him what his plans were and in typical fashion he makes it difficult to answer. Instead of just replying what he was going to do he makes it into a game saying this like 'whatever I want to do' and ' if he stays he doesn't have to eat at the same restaurant as the team'. I sit silently in the car because our kids are with us. I have many things to say to him but this isn't the time or the place. I just have to make sure he gets her back to her next game in time.
We make it through lunch and get her back to her game with plenty of time. Shockingly he sits somewhat near me which isn't typical of him when he is in a mood. He makes some very sexist comments during the game to my boys which infuriates me to no end. I don't say a word as he has NO problems causing a scene in public if I in any way criticize him. I feel torn as I don't want him putting down women and female sports in front of my KIDS but I also don't want to cause a scene. I decide that I will bring it up with him at a later time and just enjoy the game. I note that I should have another conversation with my boys about sexism but I feel that it is too late with some of the comments my eldest son was making back to his father. My youngest boy was laughing when they were having this discussion making me wonder if narcissism could be genetic or environmental.
After the games are all done my husband informs me that I need to get a ride home with someone else as he is going to drive my son back to college. I wanted to ask him why my daughter and I couldn't go with them but decided it could cause a fight even asking since again this made sense to HIM so I asked my girlfriend if it was OK if I hitched a ride with her. I used to lie to her to cover for my husband's abnormal behavior even though I knew she could see right through it. Over the last 3 years I decided to trust her since I needed someone to know what I was going through. I know she wants to question me as why I can't drive back with my husband since he is taking my boys but she is either too polite to ask or too tired of hearing my excuses. I am just happy that she doesn't ask because I don't even have an answer. Nothing is worse than people finding out my dirty little secret even though its not really mine personally. I do feel a sense of shame and guilt and remorse and anger and disappointment and so many other things. I often wonder what my kids think about it or are they in as much of denial as I was? They are kids and I was an ADULT and still didn't notice something was seriously wrong. Mind you I was so indoctrinated into thinking it was all my fault anyways and I was the one with the serious flaws.
I laugh when he arrives back home asking my daughter to get ready for church. I laugh inside for so many different reasons. When we first met I was the one that went to church often encouraging him to come along. When he is in the middle of these rages he wont even invite me along. I could ask him if I could go with them but again I am not strong enough to have an unreasonable conversation. I decide to take my girlfriend up on her offer of going to a birthday party with people I barely know just so I don't have to deal with him when he gets home. It's not the fighting or bickering that bothers me as much as my kids witnessing dysfunction and thinking its normal.
Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.[5] To the narcissist, the rage is directed towards the person that they feel has slighted them; to other people, the rage is incoherent and unjust. This rage impairs their cognition, therefore impairing their judgment. During the rage they are prone to shouting, fact distortion and making groundless accusations. It’s believed that narcissists have two layers of rage. The first layer of rage can be thought of as a constant anger (towards someone else), and the second layer being a self-aimed wrath. Two specific identified forms of narcissistic rage are explosive and passive-aggressive. The explosive form being an obvious anger, for example, damaging property (or people) and being verbally abusive. The passive-aggressive sort might be sulking or giving their target the silent treatment. They can become enraged to the point of being homicidal especially if he/she has the need to seek revenge.[6] Narcissistic rage is usually short lasting, but can provoke problems towards those that the anger is targeted towards.
If you are in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP) then you know all to well what Narcissistic Rage is.
At the moment I am not sure what I have done to set my husband of 18 years (19 years in a few days) but I recognize the pattern.
"Two specific identified forms of narcissistic rage are explosive and passive-aggressive."
All humans display these kind of behaviours but when dealing with an 'N' you know you are not playing with someone that adheres to the same rules.
"The explosive form being an obvious anger, for example, damaging property (or people) and being verbally abusive. The passive-aggressive sort might be sulking or giving their target the silent treatment."
I always knew deep down inside something was wrong with my perfect Christian husband but I was unable to put it into words or describe it until I met a wonderful Counselor ( I will go into that story at a later time.
At the moment I am not sure what I have done to bring on this latest NR from my husband or what he is mad about this time. This pattern is normal for us and even with so many different counselors trying to help my N doesn't get it. These displays of childish behavior are so normal for him that he thinks everyone else is crazy and he is the only normal one.
09/03/21 Yesterday was our daughter's GOLD medal game finals for soccer. My husband KNOWS I cannot drive into the city as I have a big hole in one of my tires. He has known for a week about her games and the fact that our son in college is coming to watch the games with us. I already know he will use this opportunity to 'SHOW' me he is upset. There are no fairness rules when it comes to his rage. Even at the expense of his kids he will use any chance to make life miserable as possible for me. He also knows I won't stress out the kids or let them know what he does (the rules do not apply for me though). I am ready to puke as I approach him yesterday morning to remind him about her games. I usually cope by imaging every possible scenario so I am not SHOCKED or UPSET by the outcomes. Sometimes he even has a change of heart and being an optimist I try to hope for the best. I do prepare myself for the worst just in case as nothing is worse then not being ready for any terrorist bombs he might throw my way.
I make a quick prayer before I enter his bedroom ( I will explain why I say HIS bedroom at a later time), and remind him that we have to leave in an hour hoping this will give him enough time to get ready. He informs me that since I am a deadbeat parent and do not financially contribute to the household that he doesn't have to drive my daughter to the game. I know this explanation doesn't make sense to MOST PEOPLE. I don't know how the fact that I am not currently working has anything to do with driving OUR daughter to her games but in his brain it does. I know from past experiences not to bother debating this point as 1) I will never get a chance because he speaks over me 2) He will get personal and take the focus of the topic and on to me so I try to leave the room. I remind him that this is about his daughters games and not me as calmly and reasonable as possible. Too late the verbal attacks begin. Thankfully I was prepared for his poisonous words so they wouldn't sting as much.
I call a friend of mine whose daughter is also on the team. I don't usually resort to crying in front of other people but I feel so shameful having to call her AGAIN and asking her for a favor AGAIN and knowing she looks at me like WHY DO YOU CHOOSE to stay with him. AGAIN she tells me to suck it up and she will be there for me AGAIN. She will take us both into the city and be our guardians for the afternoon. Since there will be 2 games I know that the expectation is we will do lunch as a team. I decide to bring snacks and drinks with us just in case. I do have enough money still to afford a lunch at McDonalds but I know this is not usually the places the parents go to. I am hoping that I can send my daughter off with the parents and stick around the soccer dome with my eldest son feeding him the drinks and snacks. My N also has full control of the finances (again stories I will go into at a later time) so I have to be careful with every dime I get during the good periods.
My daughter asks my husband if he will go to her game before we leave and thankfully he says he will be there. I am so pleased for her sake as its very important to her. My eldest son wants to go with his father instead of which upsets me since I was the one that invited him and knowing my 'N' my son will not be at her game on time. I am upset with my son but I also know its not his fault. He does love his dad and he knows and sees what happens to people who get on my 'N's bad side so I can't blame him.
Of course its almost the end of her game before my N and 2 if my sons show up. For some reason my N is always late to events that are important to me. Since he has only been to 2 of her other soccer games I regretfully made it a point to stress to him how important it was to her and to me that he show up. It was no surprise that he showed up late since he makes it no secret that he doesn't like 'girl' sports because we are boring. He never talks to the parents on the team because for some reason he thinks they don't like him. I have NO IDEA where this came from and he can't give me clear answers as to why he feels that way. Again he sits in a corner away from all of us. I am happy though because my daughter will never know when he showed up she will just be happy hes there.
After the game the parents want to go for lunch at a restaurant near the dome. I ask my husband what we were going to do drive back home for 2 hours or go with the team. He has no problems letting our kids see his disdain for the parents and says they are not his friends so why should he go with them. I counter with the fact it is his daughter's team and this day is about her. Knowing I don't have the funds for it he offers to drop my daughter and I off at the restaurant. SHE WAS THE ONLY PLAYER THAT DIDN'T DINE with the team. I of course have to decline and submit to his mercy. I ask him what his plans were and in typical fashion he makes it difficult to answer. Instead of just replying what he was going to do he makes it into a game saying this like 'whatever I want to do' and ' if he stays he doesn't have to eat at the same restaurant as the team'. I sit silently in the car because our kids are with us. I have many things to say to him but this isn't the time or the place. I just have to make sure he gets her back to her next game in time.
We make it through lunch and get her back to her game with plenty of time. Shockingly he sits somewhat near me which isn't typical of him when he is in a mood. He makes some very sexist comments during the game to my boys which infuriates me to no end. I don't say a word as he has NO problems causing a scene in public if I in any way criticize him. I feel torn as I don't want him putting down women and female sports in front of my KIDS but I also don't want to cause a scene. I decide that I will bring it up with him at a later time and just enjoy the game. I note that I should have another conversation with my boys about sexism but I feel that it is too late with some of the comments my eldest son was making back to his father. My youngest boy was laughing when they were having this discussion making me wonder if narcissism could be genetic or environmental.
After the games are all done my husband informs me that I need to get a ride home with someone else as he is going to drive my son back to college. I wanted to ask him why my daughter and I couldn't go with them but decided it could cause a fight even asking since again this made sense to HIM so I asked my girlfriend if it was OK if I hitched a ride with her. I used to lie to her to cover for my husband's abnormal behavior even though I knew she could see right through it. Over the last 3 years I decided to trust her since I needed someone to know what I was going through. I know she wants to question me as why I can't drive back with my husband since he is taking my boys but she is either too polite to ask or too tired of hearing my excuses. I am just happy that she doesn't ask because I don't even have an answer. Nothing is worse than people finding out my dirty little secret even though its not really mine personally. I do feel a sense of shame and guilt and remorse and anger and disappointment and so many other things. I often wonder what my kids think about it or are they in as much of denial as I was? They are kids and I was an ADULT and still didn't notice something was seriously wrong. Mind you I was so indoctrinated into thinking it was all my fault anyways and I was the one with the serious flaws.
I laugh when he arrives back home asking my daughter to get ready for church. I laugh inside for so many different reasons. When we first met I was the one that went to church often encouraging him to come along. When he is in the middle of these rages he wont even invite me along. I could ask him if I could go with them but again I am not strong enough to have an unreasonable conversation. I decide to take my girlfriend up on her offer of going to a birthday party with people I barely know just so I don't have to deal with him when he gets home. It's not the fighting or bickering that bothers me as much as my kids witnessing dysfunction and thinking its normal.
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