April 2009

Well lets see - my 19th anniversary has passed as well as my 39th birthday four days later. Ask me what my husband did for both days. The same he did on Valentines day - NOTHING!!!! Oh I forgot he did do something for me he canceled my cell phone without informing me first. Great guy isn't he? I am not shocked by this tactic as its the 2nd time he has cancelled my cell phone when he gets into a rage. Don't ask me how many bank accounts he has cancelled in a rage. Without exaggerating I am sure the number is over 15.

Since the blow up of my last blog he has ignored me (his most famous tactic). I used to say I prefer the ignoring as it is better than being put down and called names but by ignoring me the needs of the family and myself is even worse. I did call him on our anniversary to break the silence (99.9% of the time it has been me that has initiated contact when he refuses to talk to me). Again the conversation turned to be about ME ME ME. I knew that we wouldn't be doing anything but I wanted to at least say to myself I tried after all 19 years is a long time to keep a family together these days. I know he tells me I am weak but I feel strong knowing that I am the glue that has kept this family together.

Four days later was my birthday. I thought for sure he would do SOMETHING to acknowledge it as he says birthdays are special. Even in our poorest days we always had cake and a dinner even if was a special homemade one. I wasn't going to initiate contact this time since this is supposed to be my special day. It is a Saturday and he is upstairs in his bed. The hours pass into the afternoon and still he says nothing or comes downstairs. Realization sets in and I give up knowing that this is just a new way for him to hurl his anger at me. I feel bad for my kids as they sit by feeling helpless that they can't do anything for me. We have no groceries to even make a decent meal and no frosting for a cake. I tell my daughter that just having her around is special enough. He eventually comes downstairs and says that the kids want to do something for my birthday (just so I know it has nothing to do with his efforts) but he is broke so he is going out of his way for me. I realize this is more about my kids than for me and I accept and ask my husband about our other 2 sons and if they are aware of these plans. Well there are no plans DUH!! He never plans out events that is always my job. He gets on the phone with one son who is in the middle of coaching his new spring league basketball team. He won't be done until 5:00pm and he is in the city. My girlfriends are throwing a party for me @ 8:00 but it is still workable. In the middle of all this he starts telling my daughter to do dishes which is my sons chore that he has neglected for a few days. I have purposely left the dishes in the sink for him to do this time as I always end up doing it for him which isn't teaching him anything. I inform my husband of what I am doing and this is the weird part. Of all my children - this one particular son is the one I am worried about the most. I see the same narcissistic traits in him as I see in his father. My husband ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS protects this child (even when its obvious he's in the wrong) as if he is protecting HIMSELF as a little kid. My husband is always making excuses for why my son is disrespectful or mean or abusive. I stand my ground and inform my husband that during basketball season that just ended my daughter and I did my sons chores for him as he was always gone for games and practices. My daughter feels that she is getting no credit for taking on the extra chores and she gets ZERO appreciation from her brother that she has helped out. I told my husband that I left those dishes in the sink because I was waiting for my son to do it and had asked him at least times that morning to get them done. I can't blame my son as I know that teens are manipulative when parents are fighting. He knows we are fighting and he knows that DAD will save him from mean evil chores that mom bestows upon him. Again my husband jumps to his defense and says he has already sent my son to change the cat litter box. I tell him that yes that is also his daily chore along with dishes and we had time for him to get them both done. He says our daughter isn't doing anything so she can help him. I tell him that our daughter is done her chores as she does ON her own everyday and shouldn't get rewarded with doing HIS chores. My son had all morning to complete them and was even reminded three times. Instead of just talking this issue out like NORMAL adults do he had to turn it into another personal attack about how I am a deadbeat mother home all day and should be the one doing the dishes and how can I sit with my back to the sink all morning with dirty dishes in the sink. I keep my cool and tell him again that by me doing his 2 daily chores everyday has resulted in it becoming an expectation for him with zero appreciation and that kids need chores as a tool for life. (DUH he helped me create the chore list and was the one that said himself our kids were spoiled and needed to do more work like he did as a kid). I said I decided that since it was my birthday I wasn't going to do his chores for him (even though sometimes I find it easier to do than to go through a confrontation with my son). Again he started in on the name calling and put downs instead of sticking to the topic. Me in tears I just say forget about doing anything I don't want to go anywhere in public with him (Another tactic he uses is he has no shame about attacking me in public and often likes to get me upset as he knows I will cry and have a panic attack while he looks like the cool sane one). He says fine that he is broke anyways and can't afford to spend his money on a deadbeat mother. I want to cry but at least I have my girlfriends and their support and love.

The next day my middle son calls me as he is concerned about why no one had set up something for my birthday. When he called I had already left for my birthday party and he found out his father hadn't even planned cake. My son also found out my cell was cut off and wanted to know what was going on. He called me the next day and wanted to take me out for lunch with the LITTLE money he had after selling his IPOD. MY HEART wanted to fall out at that very moment. This little gesture did more for me knowing how special it was. I tried to decline knowing it was the only money he had but he insisted. I was so proud of this 16 year old child that wanted to make his mother feel special. At lunch, he wanted to know what was going on with dad because we always had cake and dinner on birthdays. I don't want to lie to my son (he knows full well what happens in the home) but I wasn't to spare him the details. He is still only 16 and its not his burden. He then says I need cake so I compromise with him and say I will pay for frosting as we did have a cake mix at home. I knew how important it was for my daughter to feel like she also did something for my birthday so a cake was a perfect way and of course I would enjoy it. I had such a great time with my son seeing how mature he was. We are getting closer and closer and he gets older and we are able to talk about things on a much mature level than before. Out of a crisis comes something beautiful :)

I took the frosting mix home which made my daughter very happy. She started to make the cake and didn't want ANY help from me at all. My first instinct was to jump in and help her but I knew it was important for her to do it by herself. I offered my help if she needed it and made a conscious promise to myself to NOT LOOK!!! We have made cakes together often enough that I have confidence in her skills and safety. POOR thing the cake fell apart while she was icing it and I told her it would taste the same in chunks as it would whole and not to worry it was a beautiful cake. She went and got her brother and dad to sing happy birthday to me. I was so worried he wouldn't come downstairs just to spite me but he surprised me and sang happy birthday with the kids (even though it was a day late). She asked him if he wanted a piece and he declined running back upstairs to his cave. It was the best tasting cake I ever had knowing how much love was out into it by my kids :)

I had a great time at my birthday party with my friends. We started out at my friend's house having cosmos and chatting and then went to the local pub to sing karaoke. The sad part was halfway through the night I had another panic attack and left without saying goodbye. I haven't told my friends about my panic attacks they just know sometimes I leave suddenly without saying goodbye. When I woke up in the morning I decided it was time to do something about these attacks and to start telling my friends the truth. I will start out with the most understanding one and see how it goes.