April 2009 the aftermath

Well since the week of my birthday and anniversary things went on as normal. He still ignored me and we were running out of food to the point where I had to scrape up change to buy milk. (Did I mention that he has 100% control of the money and finances) For years my name was NOT on the mortgage or even my car title until the last counselor we saw convinced him to be fair.

Anyways it came down to this. It was my daughters wrap up soccer party and we were required to bring a dish. Since I don't have any money to buy anything or insurance on my car anymore (it ran out over my birthday and he refuses to renew it because I am a deadbeat mother that doesn't financially support her kids) I knew I was at his mercy. The weird thing is I am willing to confront him for things my kids need but I won't confront him for myself. I spent all morning planning what I was going to say and what I would do if he tried to get personal and attack me. I find if I am prepared for an attack its better and doesn't burn as much as when I am not excepting it. I go upstairs and he is still in bed and I have a panic attack and head to the shower. It is a little set back I convince myself but I will relax take a HOT shower then attempt a conversation. My stomach is in knots but I tell myself over and over to be optimistic or I will set myself up for failure. This party is important for my daughter and she is counting on me. I have 6 hours before the party starts so its enough time to see what I can get done.

I will spare you the small details but it went like any other confrontation went. Of course it turned into a personal attack to the point he told me he would take the house the kids and my car. Devastated I wanted to attack him and I got into his face and lost it. I find it so bizarre but he will only start to be somewhat human after he totally breaks me down into NOTHING first. I don't understand how all the skills that the counselors have given me don't work with him. I can be as calm and direct and stick to the topic but those skills only seem to work in the counselors office. I stay on topic but I have to restart over and over because interruptions and talking over me are the norm. Four hours of trying to get my point across he reverts from name calling and put downs to the tactic of I AM TAKING EVERYTHING and leaving you with nothing. That is when I snap I can't handle it anymore. That is when he decides to be a little more understanding and compromising. He says he will get us something to take to the party. I tell him there is no way I can go to a function like that in public in the state of mind I am in. I know the triggers of my panic attacks and in my weak state I am setting myself up for failure. I inform him its time for him to step up to the plate and do something with my daughter to make her feel important. I remind him that with all four kids in all the sports they have been involved with he has only made it to ONE wrap up party. He tried for a few hours to convince me to go but I am standing my ground on this one. I am emotionally unable to go and in all fairness this is his time to step up since he missed her last soccer AND basketball final games. Now the clock is ticking and he is already 30 minutes late and still has to pick something up. He is relentless but as much as my daughter is important to me so is my emotional health. If she doesn't make it to the party she will be disappointed but I really have to stop sacrificing myself if I want to get stronger. Now it's an hour past the start of the party and he is realizing I am not giving up on this. 99% of the time I do give in but when I am certain of something I won't budge. He then says his scalp is itchy and he needs to take another shower to get rid of the flakes. He KNOWS how late they already are but his LOOKS are more important than his daughter getting there. Its now an hour and a half past the party starting and he finally leaves with her. Before he goes in he calls me ONE last time to ask what time the party ends. I inform him for the 5th time that there was never a time given and I am sure the party will go on much later. I know he doesn't want to go in and is looking for an out but I won't give it to him. He tried to put the guilt trip on me saying that he wasn't informed of the plans so why is he wasting his church time for this. I give him an out telling him just to go in drop off the food and let our daughter say goodbye to her coach and friends. I know he is just having a hard time going in and once he is in there he will be OK. I just hate the fact that he felt like he had to let me know how I inconvenienced him even though this is a part of parenting and nothing to do with me.

I feel a little stronger now and decide that I am also going to put my foot down regarding the lack of groceries that are in the house. I am going to wait until the next day as I am not in a good state of mind to go through another round without a good nights sleep.