It is the fact that language is put by narcissists to a different use - not to communicate but to obscure, not to share but to abstain, not to learn but to defend and resist, not to teach but to preserve ever less tenable monopolies, to disagree without incurring wrath, to criticize without commitment, to agree without appearing to do so. Thus, an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Such profound words from a self confessed narcissist I especially appreciated the part where he says
an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment - rather than the clear listing of long term, iron-cast and mutual commitments.
Do I know this all to well. As Christians our word means everything. We are told that we don't have to swear on the Bible as our word should be enough. When I give my word I mean it - you don't have to second guess me. If I am unable to give you my word I will let you know. My integrity is important to me it is who I am. With my husband it is like a light switch it can turn on and off at any given moment. Before I knew what narcissism was I had always accused my husband of not honoring his word or finding loop holes to get out of promises. I could never wrap my head around how easy it was for him to back out of promises or make empty commitments. I didn't know he was suffering from such a debilitating mental condition. He has no formal diagnosis but a counselor we saw wanted to point me in the right direction. Once I started reading the web sites she gave me it was like a light TURNED ON. Everything I felt but was unable to put into words about him was listed on these web sites. I can't tell you what a GOD SEND it was to find out I was not insane and I was living in a world of the narcissist.
Sam's words echoed in my brain so many times. His agreement with me were only words not valid terms of conditions. His promises were empty of the same value they meant to me. I always felt like I was in a war and I was fighting fair while he was able to break the terms and conditions on a whim. The same rules that applied to me didn't apply to him. I would ask him often about how as a Christian he could break his word so easily. I never did get an answer that satisfied me. I am starting to realise that his words don't have the same meaning to me as they do to him. He wouldn't even make up excuses in his mind he has the ability to decide how to live his life his way.
Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others - rather, they talk at others, or lecture them. They exchange subtexts, camouflage-wrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawning a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world - where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply.
- http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html - Dr. Sam Vakni
Again this spoke volumes to me (thanks Sam) When previous conversations would come up my husband would come up with things I never said or never meant. At first I thought he was just a liar then I started to realise he really believed I had said things or had intentions other than what I was saying. I would bring this up in counselling where we would be taught skills about repeating back to the person what they thought the other person said. I thought this would solve our problem but these exercises would only work with a counselor. It was explained to us more than once that we were NOT to tell the other person what they said or did we were to ask and clarify. One counselor even told him that I was the expert on ME and if he wanted to clarify what I meant to ASK me not TELL me what I felt or thought. I didn't know how it was possible to misread me as I felt I was very clear even asking him if he understood what I was saying. He would always reply that he did only to tell me at a later date what I REALLY was thinking.
I would say, "the sun is shining and its going to be a beautiful day". He would hear "The sun is shining so I am going to do what it takes to get away from you". As absurd as this sounds it is not far from the truth.
Another point Sam makes is how narcissists never talk WITH you the talk AT you. My husbands lectures are infamous. We would never discuss an issue - it would be about him giving an hour long sermon on something that was always hard to follow. I would call it the PETER SONG as I was unable to put into words what was happening. I would hate to bring up hot topics because our conversations would never be a two way street. It would end up being a lecture or a sermon about how I was wrong and he had all the answers (even on topics I was better versed in). I realise now he wouldn't even HEAR my words he would read between the lines coming up with his own conclusions. I can't tell you how many wasted hours we spent on him telling me what I meant with me defending myself. It was always a futile thing because no matter what I said he always believes that his position is correct.
One example is when I tried to talk about the pain of divorce on children. I wanted him to understand fully that if we ended the marriage that the pain children go through is like the death of a parent. His father had passed on when he was only 13 so I wanted to make that parallel. I told him that when he experienced the pain of his father passing it was final but for kids of divorce the pain comes back again and again because of the possibility and hope that the parents will get back together. About a year later in a counselling session he brought this topic up with a new twist. His claim was that I said that the kids would be better off dead than to go through a divorce. Meaning that I would probably KILL my kids so they wouldn't have to feel the pain of a divorce. Of course the counselor had alarms ringing but thank goodness she had worked with us long enough to know things were not as they seemed. No matter what I said to clarify my position he is 100% convinced that is what I meant. This is when I discovered that he wasn't a liar as I had previously thought the MAN really believes what he says.
No comments:
Post a Comment